Christmas with the Quinzels
by Shaddic
Summary: What will happen when Harley convinces the Joker to come home with her for Christmas? Christmas-fic Joker/Harley
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's notes: **__This is my fourth fic on this site, and because my other fics have all been pretty dark and serious, I wanted to do something more fun and lighthearted (but don't worry, I plan to go back to the more serious stuff after this). This isn't my best work, but I think I did an okay job considering I'm not used to writing fluff (if this can even be considered fluff, I'm not sure what this is exactly). I prefer Heath Ledger's Joker, but I wrote this in such a way that it could be either comic-verse or Nolan-verse. If you enjoy please comment, I appreciate every review I get and I love hearing your thoughts on my work. I'm going to shut up now so you can read the story, please enjoy! : )_

**December 21: Four days 'till Christmas**

Harley was standing on the balcony of the penthouse she and the Joker were currently hiding out in. She gazed up at the stars as anxiety gnawed at her. She absently wondered if it would snow before Christmas, it hadn't snowed once and she almost wished Mr. Freeze would try to freeze Gotham again, if only so she could have a white Christmas. The type of nervousness she felt now was almost foreign to her, for it wasn't fear of capture or getting killed, it was because of her Puddin'. The feeling was strange to her because she usually wasn't afraid of him, not even when he yelled at her or beat her or threatened to kill her. No, she was afraid because once she got home she planned to ask something of him that she knew wouldn't make him happy. She was afraid he would shout insults at her or hit her, or worst of all, shut down and ignore her entirely.

For a few weeks now she and the Joker had been living in the penthouse suite of one of Bruce Wayne's hotels. At first the manager had refused to let them stay, but after Joker explained things and killed over half the staff the manager was happy to let them stay. Ever since they had moved in the manager had denied access to any other guests, claiming that they were undergoing maintenance. It was just as well that he did, because it took the entire remaining staff to fulfill all of their requests, whether it be a "romantic" dinner or the supplies for a bomb. The staff would have fled or at least have called the police, but the Joker had taken the time to "get to know" each and every one of them and had promised dire consequences for tattle-tales. While Harley didn't mind living in broken-down amusements parks or old and abandoned factories and apartments, she loved living in the penthouse. With the rich décor and the lovely view and the staff waiting on them hand and foot, she felt that she and the Joker were finally being treated like the royalty they were.

She wondered where he was now, and what he was doing. Christmas was the Joker's favorite holiday because, according to him, it was full of good will and holiday cheer and therefore was the perfect time to remind everyone how pointless their lives were. He hadn't told her what his plan for this Christmas was yet, but he had told it her it would be more "kid-friendly." He had spent months of planning and hiring new henchmen, making sure everything was absolutely perfect, down to the smallest detail, and she couldn't wait for him to tell her what it was.

She heard the door to their room open and close and she could hear him wandering around the room. She began chewing her fingernails; she hadn't expected him to come home this early, she had actually hoped for once that he would come back later than usual so she could have more time to think about what she would say and how she would say it. What she wanted to ask him was bad enough in and of itself, and getting tongue-tied and saying the wrong thing wouldn't help her cause. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and make her request but forced herself not to; if he was in a bad mood there was no way she would even mention it. Then again, if he was in a good mood she would hate to ruin it with her request. Either way, she would make herself wait and see what mood he was in before she did anything.

Without any warning, Harley shrieked as she felt someone grab her from behind and flipped her over the rail of the balcony upside down, his hands gripping her ankles tightly.

"To drop or not to drop, that is the question. What do you think the answer is, Harl?"

"I think the answer is whatever you want it to be Mistah J, but I wouldn't mind at all if you decided not to drop me," said Harley a bit nervously.

"That's such a Harley answer. No screams of terror? No pleas for mercy? I'm not sure if I'm amused or annoyed," said Joker as he pulled her back up.

"Sorry Mistah J," said Harley dejectedly, wondering what the right answer had been.

He grabbed hold of her jester cowl and dragged her to bed, where he laid down and put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. She laid down next to him and traced his arm with the tip of her finger. She was tempted to speak but was unsure if it would be a mistake to do so.

"Something wrong, Harley-girl?" asked Joker all of a sudden. Even when he wasn't looking at her he could still read her like a book.

"It's nothin', Sweetie," mumbled Harley.

He opened his eyes and fixed them on her. "Now Harley, you know Daddy doesn't like it when you keep things from him, even when it's things he doesn't want to hear."

"I'm afraid you'll get mad at me," said Harley as she looked away, unable to meet his eyes. It killed her to say those words, but they were true.

"Now Harley, when have I ever been angry with you?" he asked as he turned her head to make her look at him. "I won't have a frowny-faced hench-girl."

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about our Christmas plans," she said hesitantly.

He laughed and said, "Aww, does wittle Hawley-kins wanna know what Daddy's got planned for Christmas?"

Harley's face brightened a bit as she said, "Of course I do, Puddin'!"

"I'll show you," he said as he eagerly jumped off the bed and reached underneath it and pulled out a white box with a red ribbon wrapped around it. He handed it to her with a wide and mischievous grin on his face. "Open it," he said, but she had already torn off the ribbon. She threw off the lid and saw that inside was a clown doll, and before she could move or say anything it released a cloud of green vapor from its mouth and laughed. She recognized it immediately as Joker venom but because of the immunity booster Poison Ivy had given her it had no effect on her. His face filled with child-like glee as he told her his plan. "You know how people always get more depressed than usual after the holidays are over? Well I intend to do something about that, with the children at least. You see, all this month I've had my henchmen pose as mall Santas and hand out these gifts to the kids and instruct them to not open them until Christmas. On Christmas day, all the little children will be happier than ever before, and for once their parents won't have to deal with ungrateful kids who don't appreciate their gifts. Batman won't be able to prevent this one because who's going to turn down a free gift, especially in this economy. By the time Bats and the police realize what I've done it'll be far too late for them to anything other than try to find an antidote, this is a new strain of course, and try to catch me. I even sent one to the Boy Blunder that will arrive on Christmas morning, just my way of thanking Bats for all he does for this god-forsaken city."

"What would this city do without ya, Puddin'?" said Harley adoringly.

"And on Christmas day we'll dress up as nurses and invade the hospital so we can watch the desperate parents kill each other trying to get their brats medical attention," said Joker with a wide grin.

"Oh um, about that Puddin', I was thinking maybe we could do somethin' else for Christmas," said Harley, testing the waters.

"Something else?" said Joker, his face calm but his voice hinting danger.

"W-Well, I was thinking that maybe we could go to M-Metropolis to visit my family," said Harley as she nervously bit her lip.

In response, the Joker backhanded her so hard it knocked her off the bed. She hit her head on the floor and as she was reeling from the blow, he grabbed her cowl again and dragged her to the closet, threw her inside and locked the door. Her face stung where he had hit her, but she hadn't expected anything less from him. In fact, compared to what she had expected he seemed to have taken it quite well.

She was surprised when she heard his voice from the other side of the door. "Harley, Harley, Harley, don't you remember what happened the last time you saw your parents?"

"I try not to," admitted Harley quietly.

"So why would you want to repeat the incident? I thought it was hilarious, but you seemed kind of traumatized, and I'm just wondering why you would want to go through that again. Do you not like my plan to make the kids happy? Do you not enjoy tormenting the Bat anymore? Is it because you actually think there's a chance your parents and I could learn to love each other or are you just trying to screw up my Christmas?"

"It's none of those Puddin', I just wanted to see them one last time. I love your plan and ruining B-man's Christmas, and I most certainly do not want to ruin yours, but I think that maybe we could make Christmas with my parents work out," implored Harley. "I was thinking we could leave tomorrow and stay until Christmas day, and if we did that we could be back in time to enjoy watching Gotham and Batman try to deal with your latest scheme."

"Give me one good reason why I should even consider doing this for you," growled Joker.

"It would make me happy," said Harley hopefully.

"I said a good reason, Harl," said Joker exasperatedly.

"Well, don't we deserve a vacation? Especially you Puddin', you're always working so hard to make Gotham laugh, wouldn't you like to relax for a change?"

"What do you think Arkham is for?" said Joker, as if this should have been obvious.

"I mean a vacation where we're not getting stuck with needles every day or having to put up with annoying straightjackets and even more annoying doctors. A vacation where we wouldn't have to deal with guards keeping us away from each other all the time."

"Yes, because I'm sure your parents would be thrilled with us flaunting our relationship in their house, not that I care about their approval."

"But you're family now, Mistah J. Not officially, but close enough. Don't you want to get to know my parents better, after all you are their sort-of son-in-law. And then there's my brother Peter, he's the best big brother in the whole world. And of course Nana, she was getting pretty senile the last time I saw her, but I bet she's still as wonderful as ever. Come on Mistah J, they're your family too, would one Christmas with them really be so awful?"

There was a long pause, then Joker said, "Have we met Harley? Did you forget who you're talking to? I don't do families, I destroy them. Why in the world would I want to get to know your family better? They're not my family, I don't have any family and I'd like to keep it that way. Why do you even want to go? You never wanted to go before, but now you're whining for it like a two year old crying for a cookie. Am I not good enough for you anymore, is that it?"

"No! Of course not Puddin'! You know I love you more than anything else in the world! It's just that, well, a few months ago they sent me a letter in Arkham and it got me to thinking. I want to see them just one last time."

"Letter? What letter?" asked Joker curiously.

"It's in top the dresser drawer next to the bed, under a bunch of junk," mumbled Harley. She was going to get it now, she was sure. She hadn't wanted to keep it a secret but had done so because she knew it would only upset him.

"Dear Harley, blah blah blah," read Joker from outside the door. "We miss you and wish you would come home and spend Christmas with us. This is an outrage!" he suddely shouted angrily. "How dare they invite you and not me! The nerve of your parents, the least they could have done was say you could bring me along. Well I'll tell you what Harley-girl, if this isn't an invitation I don't know what is. I don't care what you think, we are going to Metropolis!" said the Joker, no longer sounding angry, but eager instead. "We'll leave tomorrow morning and get there by tomorrow night. Just think how excited your parents will be to spend Christmas with their not-really son-in-law! I'll make sure this the best Christmas ever, just for your parents!"

His strange and abrupt mood swings often left Harley with a feeling of whiplash, but she was so used to it now it hardly fazed her. She smiled to herself as she lay down on the closet floor and tried to sleep. Now that the Joker had agreed to go, all she had to do was hope her parents would be willing to at least pretend that they were happy they were there. She could only hope this Christmas wouldn't be like the first time her parents met the Joker.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been five and a half months since Harleen Quinzel had become Harley Quinn, and she had been captured and brought back to Arkham by the Batman for the first time. Because she was so new and because of her status as the Joker's squeeze, her face had been all over the news, and not just in Gotham. In Metropolis, Don and Marie Quinzel had just finished dinner and they were watching the news when they saw Harley Quinn unmasked for the first time. They had seen Harley Quinn on the news many times at the Joker's side but had never made the connection between her and their daughter. Needless to say, they were dumbfounded and horrified by what they saw.

"Don, please tell me that's not our Harleen Quinzel on the news," said Marie in shock.

"How many Harleen Quinzels are there?" replied Don, his words sarcastic but his tone appalled. "I think we need to go to Arkham Asylum."

The next morning they left for Gotham and arrived that evening. They took a taxi to the asylum and hoped that by some miracle they were wrong about their daughter.

"Maybe this whole thing was blown out of proportion," whispered Marie quietly so that the driver wouldn't hear. "Maybe it's not as bad as they've made it out to be on the news."

"How can you say that?" hissed Don. "We saw her with that crazed clown on the news with our own eyes. We've seen what she's done."

"Maybe she and the Joker aren't actually together, maybe he kidnapped her and forced her to do those terrible things."

"I think you're in denial, honey," sighed Don.

"I don't care, I won't believe my daughter is in love with that maniac until I see some solid proof."

When they arrived at the asylum, they were surprised by all the security, guards and cameras everywhere. They went to the front desk and requested to see Harley Quinn. After a few minutes of waiting, a woman approached them.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Joan Leland, I'm currently overseeing your daughter's recovery," said the woman as she shook their hands.

"Take us to our daughter," said Don, afraid of what they would find.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, it's not visiting day. Besides, it's late and she's probably already asleep. Why don't you come back tomorrow, you can see her then."

"Please, we've come such a long way, we need to see her right now. We're her parents, do you have any idea what we're going through?" said Marie harshly.

"I suppose I can bend the rules, but only this once," said Dr. Leland, a note of pity in her voice.

She led them down a dark corridor, passing by countless patients who were either trying to sleep or making sure that no one else could. It was quite unnerving to see so many people afflicted by mental illness, to see the way they looked at the people who passed by their cells. It felt like an eternity had passed by the time they reached Harley's cell. She was lying on a metal cot and appeared to already be asleep, the only part of her body not under a blanket the top of her head.

"Harley? Harley, it's Dr. Leland. You have some visitors," said Joan as she knocked on the transparent door of her cell.

When she didn't respond, Don took a turn. "Wake up Harleen, it's mom and dad. We need to talk."

"Just let us inside, she's always been a heavy sleeper, we can wake her up," said Marie impatiently when Harley still didn't wake up.

Dr. Leland sighed and punched in the code and opened the door. Marie and Don rushed in and pulled back the covers on the bed, only to discover that it wasn't Harley. It was a guard, his throat slit open and his body drenched in his own blood.

"What is the meaning of this?" Don shouted.

"She must have escaped, I'm going to check the Joker's cell," said Joan worriedly as she took off down the hall with Don and Marie chasing after her.

When they reached the Joker's cell, they found another dead guard and no Joker or Harley Quinn.

"Lock down the asylum," Joan ordered into her walkie-talkie. "Two patients are missing, the Joker and Harley Quinn. Check the other inmate's cells and make sure no one else has escaped. Search everywhere, no one rests until they're found."

They spent an entire hour searching for them and found nothing, until Joan realized something.

"Wait a minute, where's Dr. Young?"

"Who?" asked Don and Marie at the same time.

"Penelope Young, she's the Joker's doctor. I saw her not too long before you two showed up, she should be out here helping us search. I need to check and make sure she's all right," said Joan, trying to keep calm.

When they got to Dr. Young's office, they found that the door was locked but they could hear people inside. Don broke down the door and what they found inside left them utterly speechless. Penelope Young's body was propped up against the wall, clearly dead. It appeared that someone had taken every sharp object in her office and drove them into her head, everything from scissors to pushpins, making her head look like a giant pincushion. And on her desk was Harley, completely naked and underneath an equally naked Joker. The scene before them was so appalling that none of them could move or speak.

Either they didn't realize they were busted or just didn't care because they continued to passionately kiss each other as if they were still alone, until the Joker took a moment to break the silence. "Do you mind? We're kind of having a moment."

His words caused them took snap out of their disgusted trance. "Get away from my daughter, you monster!" roared Don as he grabbed Joker and wrenched him away from Harley and clocked him. The Joker let out a high-pitched yelp of pain and was caught off guard by the surprise of the attack but recovered quickly and fought back. Don continued to try to pummel the Joker, but he was too fast for him. He missed most of the time but whenever he did manage to get a hit on him the Joker would only laugh hysterically, angering Don even more.

"Daddy! Leave Mistah J alone!" cried Harley as Joker kneed Don in the stomach, causing him to double over in pain.

"How dare you!" screeched Marie as she slapped her.

"What was that for?" yelled Harley. "What are you guys doing here, Mom?"

"Mom and Daddy?" said Joker as a wide grin broke out of over his face. "Interesting, a little family reunion in the asylum. Doesn't this just warm your heart?" he laughed as he dodged another one of Don's furious blows.

Dr. Leland had never seen anything like the scene before her. It was complete and utter chaos, and as she called for backup, she couldn't help but watch as Don and the Joker continued to fistfight while Marie and Harley were on the verge of killing each other. When the guards finally showed up they tried to lead Joker and Harley away but were unable to because Don and Marie had completely lost control and continued to try to kill them both. More guards had to be called in just to restrain Don and Marie so that Joker and Harley could be taken away.

The next morning, Don and Marie had regained control of themselves and were being led once again to Harley's cell. This time Harley was waiting for them, her hands cuffed and her expression guilty.

"Harleen, what in the world were you thinking?" asked Marie the second they entered her cell. "What you did last night was unbelievably horrible and stupid. Your little stunt resulted in the deaths of three people, and you could have been one of them! You're lucky we got there when we did, otherwise he would have killed you to."

"How could you say that?" asked Harley indignantly. "Mistah J loves me, he would never kill me! And why are you guys even here, anyway? It's not that I'm not happy to see you, but you ruined our special time together! Why do you think we had to do what we did? It wouldn't have been necessary if the doctors would let us be together, but no, every time I ask them to give us some quality time they say it's "detrimental to my recovery." Can we help it if we get lonely and cold at night? Can we help it if we're in love?" said Harley dreamily.

"You are to stay away from that madman, do you hear me?" commanded Don. "You're wrong, he does not love you, not in the least bit. You're coming home with us today, away from that psycho."

"No I'm not!" protested Harley. "I'm a grown woman, you can't make me come with you!"

"Why on earth would you want to stay in an asylum?" asked Marie, unable to comprehend what had happened to her daughter.

"I don't care for the asylum, but I'm not about to leave Mistah J behind."

"He'd leave you behind, and you know it," said Don, his anger growing with every word that came out of Harley's mouth.

"I don't think so, but even if he did, he'd come back for me at some point, I'm sure of it. He might leave me sometimes but I know he'd never leave me for good," said Harley with that dreamy look in her eyes again.

"Harleen, I didn't want to say this but you leave me no choice," said Marie, losing grip on her control again. "You are delusional, obsessive and psychotic and you're hopelessly infatuated with a murdering psychopath who dresses up like a clown. Can't you see how wrong this is?"

"How could say those things?" asked Harley, her feelings hurt. "You see, this is why I love Mistah J so much, or one of many reasons anyway. When he insults me, at least he says it nice. I know you don't approve, but I can't leave him, because I need him. He's my forever."

"That's it Harley, you've shown us that you are no longer capable of making sensible choices. I don't care how much you say you love him, you are leaving that deranged clown and coming home with us, and that is final," roared Don.

"No! I'll never leave Mistah J! You can't make me!" she shouted.

Don and Marie had had enough, they each grabbed an arm attempted to drag her out of her cell.

"No! I have rights you know! What me and Mistah J have is beautiful and you can't destroy it!" When this didn't help, she tried another tactic. "Guards! Guards, these two whackos are trying to break me out! You've got to stop them!"

Two guards, not knowing the situation, ran up and attempted to separate them. One pulled on Harley while the other tried to hold back her parents, but just like last night, they weren't having it. The guards called for backup and once again the couple had to be restrained. After Harley had been locked up in her cell again with tears rolling down her face, the guards told Don and Marie to take it up with Jeremiah Arkham.

"I'm sorry, but Harley is an adult and she has the right to stay here if she wants to. Besides, I think she has a better chance of recuperation if she stays here. Here at Arkham Asylum, our patient's recovery is our number one goal," said Dr. Arkham for the fifth or sixth time.

"She can't be allowed to make her own decisions, she's insane!" cried Marie into a tissue. "Where did we go wrong?"

"I can assure you that Harley is safe with us, and we will do everything we can to help her recover from her mental illness."

"How can you believe she can get better here, with that clown? He caused all this, we're just trying to kill the problem at its source," insisted Don.

"The Joker is in solitary confinement, and we are doing everything we can to keep him away from your daughter," sighed Arkham as he rubbed his temples. Trying to reason with these people was giving him a migraine.

"Yes, last night was a great example of your ability to control the Joker," mocked Don.

"We are doing everything in our power to ensure the incident last night never happens again," he said, wondering what it would take to make these people listen, as they had been pestering him for almost two hours straight. "Listen, we will help your daughter, I promise. I know what you're thinking, you're going to take us to court, but I can assure you now that you wouldn't have a case, not without Harley's support. I wish I could do more, I know this must be very difficult for you, but forcing your will on Harley won't help right now. Her mind is very fragile and until she realizes that she doesn't need the Joker treating her will be extremely difficult. I am terribly sorry for your loss."

Don and Marie left that night, vowing that they would find a way to save their daughter, even if she didn't want to be saved.

The whole incident had been very difficult for Harley; she hadn't wanted to make her parents angry, but couldn't they understand that she loved the Joker? It had been a few years, and she hoped that she could patch things up with her family. She also hoped that by some miracle the Joker and her parents could somehow learn to get along, if only for her sake.


	3. Chapter 3

**December 22: Three days 'till Christmas**

The next morning, the Joker opened the closet door and Harley, still sleeping, tumbled out at his feet. She awakened immediately and looked up at the Joker, who was looking down at her with an amused smile.

"Mornin' Puddin'" said Harley groggily. "Is it morning already?"

"'Fraid so, Harls. Now, I got us a guy who's willing to fly us to Metropolis, and we leave in an hour. You'd better hurry up and get everything packed very quickly, because if you make us late he might not take us and I'd rather kill the guy_ after_ we get to Metropolis, not_ before_, savvy?"

"Sure thing Mistah J!" squealed Harley happily as she leapt up, kissed him on the cheek, and started packing as fast as she could. She packed his best suits and some street clothes for herself (dressing up as her alias probably wouldn't help her cause with her parents.) She packed some weapons, toiletries, the bit of money they hadn't burned or flushed down the toilet, and even the clown doll he had given her last night (she just loved it when he gave her presents). Once she had packed everything, she hurriedly changed out of her costume and put on some blue jeans and a red sweater with white snowflakes on it.

"Ready Puddin'!" sang Harley once she had finished.

"Could you have been any slower? It took you like twenty minutes to pack everything," he said as he opened the door to leave. "Be a dear and bring the suitcase outside to the car, 'kay?"

"On it," said Harley as she picked up the heavy suitcase and followed him out the door.

They rode the elevator to the first floor, and once they stepped off and the staff noticed them, they all stopped whatever they were doing and watched them, waiting for them to make some sort of request and desperately hoping that the Joker was in a merciful mood.

"Well folks, it's been fun, but me and the lady are heading out for a few days. We might come back or we might not, it all depends, you know?" said the Joker as they headed for the door. "I know I don't need to remind you, but just to make sure no one's forgotten, continue feeding the hyenas and don't donate them to the zoo, and make sure no one touches any my stuff while we're gone. After all, I'd hate to have to kill any of you during the holidays. Take care while we're gone, and feliz navidad to you all!"

The staff looked positively terrified as Joker and Harley exited the building. They found the Jokermobile and took off for the airport.

"Do you think they'll tell on us while we're gone, Puddin'?" asked Harley as she drove.

"Hard to say. I think I rattled them enough to keep them in line, but you never know, one might decide to be brave and call the police. If they do, then we'll find whoever did it and kill 'em and then I think we'll go back to that old candy factory we were living in before the penthouse."

"I hope not, I sure did like that penthouse," said Harley wistfully.

"What was so great about it? Sure it was fancier than most of our hideouts, but besides being cleaner it really wasn't that much better than any other lair," stated the Joker as he gazed out the window.

"You have to admit though, it was nice to be waited on like that. Made me feel like a princess," said Harley as she tried to take his hand in hers.

He slapped her hand away and shrugged. "I suppose. It's too bad we can't make the henchmen wait on us like that, but they're only good for heavy lifting and being expendable."

They arrived at the airport fifteen minutes early. They parked the Jokermobile and went inside to wait on the man Joker called "Kevin." Once inside, everyone who saw them froze in their tracks, some even screamed. Joker and Harley ignored them as they sat down and waited for Kevin to arrive. While they were waiting, five armed men approached them.

"Joker, didn't expect to see you at the airport," said one of them, a man with an eye-patch. "Gotham not good enough for you anymore, or did the Bat run you outta town?"

The Joker smiled dangerously as he said, "Just taking a little vacation, but don't you worry, I'll be back before you even know I'm gone. I know how much you and the rest of Gotham will miss me."

"Come with us, you're not getting on any planes on my watch," the man ordered as he cocked his gun.

"Well Harley, it looks like we're staying in Gotham after all," said Joker as he stood up.

"What do you mean Puddin'?" asked Harley, afraid he was being serious.

They were led to a back room, where they were ordered to stand against the wall to be searched.

"Strip 'em down boys, there's no tellin' how many weapons they got on 'em," ordered the man with the eye-patch. "As soon as we've searched 'em we'll call the police and they'll take you two loons back to the whacky-shack where you belong."

"Try not to get too excited boys, I do have a girlfriend, you know," snickered Joker as they removed his jacket. He was preparing to pounce but Harley struck first.

"Hands off the merchandise, pigs!" shouted Harley as one of them began to strip her. "There's only one guy who's allowed to undress me and you ain't him!"

Harley grabbed the man who had attempted to search her and slammed his head into the wall, knocking him out cold. The Joker took out one of his special playing cards and slit the throat of the men who had tried to strip him. Before they could fire their guns, Joker threw two more playing cards, lodging them in the necks of two of the remaining men while Harley jumped on the back of the man with the eye-patch, stole his gun, and shot him in the back of the head, as well as the man who had tried to undress her.

The Joker grabbed Harley's pigtails and pulled her close so she had no choice but to look him in the eye, and growled, "Harley, how many times do I have to tell you? I always make the first move, not you. I was just about to handle those guys, there was no need for you to act when you did. How could you be so naïve, did you really think I was going to let them undress you?"

"No, I'm sorry Puddin', I guess I overreacted, and I shoulda trusted you. I just couldn't believe they were going to strip us like that. I mean, I can deal with it at Arkham, at least Joan makes sure none of the guards do anything they're not supposed to, but here? It's outrageous!"

"Perverts," spat Joker. "Well, Kevin should be here by now, I suggest we go find him before the cops show up."

They left the room and found that the entire airport was completely empty, save for one man with cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. The man approached them and extended his hand. When Joker didn't take it he awkwardly drew it back.

"You must be Kevin," said the Joker with a friendly grin. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

They retrieved their luggage and had Kevin carry it for them as he led them to a small plane outside. The Joker and Harley went inside and took seats in the cockpit. Joker sat down in the co-pilot's seat and Harley sat on his lap as Kevin took his seat at the controls.

"Isn't this exciting, Mistah J? A whole plane, all to ourselves," said Harley eagerly.

Once they took off, Joker launched into a monologue about his many exploits and battles with Batman, going into very graphic detail and leaving out almost none of the details. Harley listened intently on his lap until he grew tired of having her there and roughly shoved her off of him. She then settled for sitting at his feet, enraptured by every word he spoke.

"You know why I love Christmas so much, Kev?" asked Joker suddenly. Kevin shook his head no, so he continued. "For some reason, this time of year always makes people more generous and loving than usual. They get drunk on holiday cheer and forget how awful their sad little lives are. Because of this, it's up to me to bring them back down to earth, to remind them of how pointless and meaningless their lives are. You should see their faces when they're suddenly reminded that they're still being laughed at by the world, that nothing has changed just because it's December twenty-fifth. In a way I'm like Santa Clause, only instead of toys I bring the gift of madness!"

Kevin visibly shuddered and Joker pretended not to notice as he moved onto the next topic in his over-active mind.

"So Congress has announced that pizza is a vegetable because of all the tomato sauce. But if the sauce is made of tomatoes and if tomatoes are fruits, then shouldn't pizza be considered a fruit? And they say I'm crazy!"

Kevin tried to ignore him for the most part as he continued ranting while Harley couldn't get enough of him, not listening to the words so much as just the sound of his voice and his merry laughter.

When they finally reached Metropolis, to Kevin it felt like an eternity had passed. Being cooped up with the Joker and Harley Quinn for any period of time was nerve-wrecking at best, at worst a fate worse than death. At least now he would be rid of them and a few dollars richer.

"You are an excellent pilot, Kevin," complemented the Joker once they had landed.

"Um, thanks," said Kevin, trying to keep the unease out of his voice.

"A job well done indeed, here's your money," said Joker as he pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket. He handed the money to Kevin who, not wanting to get on the Joker's bad side, pocketed the money without even looking at it.

"Oh silly me, I forgot your tip!" exclaimed Joker. Kevin turned to face him again and was met by a stream of acid from the boutonniere on the man's suit. He screamed in agony as his face was melted off, but only for a few seconds.

"Well that was fun," said Joker as he exited the plane, Harley trailing behind dragging the suitcase. "Better call a taxi."

Even though it was still pretty early out, it was already dark outside. As they walked through the terminal, Harley was surprised to find that no one was freaking out at their presence. Sure, they got a lot of stares, but no one panicked or fainted. Hadn't these people ever heard of the Joker?

They hailed a taxi and climbed inside.

"Hi, I'm Henry. Where to?" asked the driver with a friendly smile.

Harley gave him the address, and soon they were on their way.

"Hey, don't take this the wrong way or nothin', but why are you dressed up like the Joker? Halloween was a few months ago," said Henry curiously.

So that was why no one had screamed or run away, they all thought he was just a harmless weirdo in a costume. Harley had been about to set the jerk straight but kept silent when Joker shot her a pointed look.

"A friend of ours is throwing a costume party," explained Joker with a smile. "I know it's strange this time of year, but what are you gonna do?"

"Must have some very special friends," laughed Henry. "How about you, ma'am? You should go as his sidekick, oh what's her name, Harley Quinn, that's it! I bet you'd make a great Harley Quinn."

"Oh, you're just sayin' that," said Harley, pretending to be flattered.

"I mean it. You two would make a great Joker and Harley Quinn, it's uncanny."

"You make me blush!" chuckled the Joker.

The trip to the Harley's parent's house wasn't very long, but by the time they reached their destination the Henry had figured out that they weren't impersonators. When he dropped them off, he promised Joker that he wouldn't tell anyone what he had seen. The Joker got his phone number but let him go and as he drove off, he nearly cried tears of relief and prayed for the first time in years.

Henry had dropped them off in front of a large gate, behind which was a house that was not quite a mansion but pretty darn close. The entire house was decorated in hundreds of gorgeous golden lights.

"I think you're parent's house is on fire," joked the Joker. "Well Harls, let's get this over with and give your parents a heart attack."


	4. Chapter 4

Peter Quinzel was sitting on the couch in his parent's living room. He and his wife Alice and his two year old son Ben had come home for Christmas just a few hours ago, and he couldn't wait for this to be over. Christmas with his parents was always awkward, and the fact that nowadays he didn't even have Harley there to make things easier didn't help much. He vaguely wondered where Harley was, if she was spending Christmas with the clown or in the asylum. He hoped that wherever she was she was happy.

Next to him sat Alice. She was a detective who had the body of a supermodel; how he had gotten so lucky was beyond him. Ben sat at his feet playing with his toys as his grandmother sat peacefully knitting in her rocking chair and his father Don flipped through channels on the TV, finally settling on a re-run of some football game.

"Peter dear, would you mind taking out the trash for me?" called his mother from the kitchen.

"Sure mom," said Peter as he got off the couch.

He walked into the kitchen and Marie handed him the trash. He opened the door and was met with a blast of freezing air. He tried to ignore it as he walked outside and trudged down to the gate and went outside to find the trash can. As he threw the garbage away, he saw a taxi pull up. He wondered who it could be, and as he looked closer he realized it was Harley. He couldn't believe it was her and he couldn't wait to talk to her, until he saw someone else climb out, too. He couldn't believe his eyes, it was the Joker. He didn't know what to do, should he go and greet them or stay put and hope they wouldn't notice him? In the end it didn't matter.

"Peter!" Harley squealed as she ran towards him. She threw her arms around his neck as the Joker followed her over to him. "I'm so happy to see you!"

"I can see that," said Peter as he nervously hugged her back. "Wow, I didn't think you'd come this year."

"I didn't think so either, but here we are! Mistah J, this is my brother Peter. Peter, this Mistah J," Harley introduced.

Peter hesitantly extended his hand and said, "Pleasure to meet you, J-Joker."

The Joker kept his hands in his pockets and said as Peter withdrew his awkwardly, "Oh, I assure you, the pleasure's all mine."

"It's freezing out here, we'd better get inside Mistah J. You comin' Peter?" said Harley as she wrapped her arms around herself to try to keep warm.

"I-I'll be right there in a minute," Peter assured her.

Once the Joker and Harley were inside, Peter went back over to the trash can and vomited inside it. He had never in his life felt as afraid as he did then.

"Talk about the nightmare before Christmas," said Peter as he trudged back inside.

xxxx

When they heard the door open, everyone in the house assumed it was Peter, so they were even more surprised than they would have been anyway when the Joker suddenly burst inside.

"Merry Christmas Quinzel family, and God bless you!" proclaimed the Joker as he opened the door.

Nearly everyone stood and turned to look at him in shock. Harley followed him inside and behind her was Peter, his face as white as a sheet.

"Hi everyone!" said Harley, oblivious to the tension in the room. She skipped over to Don and Marie and hugged them both.

"Harleen," her father said quietly. "You brought your psychotic boyfriend here?"

"She sure did!" said Joker, grinning from ear to ear.

The tension suddenly seemed to explode and Don and Marie started screaming at Harley for bringing the Joker into their house and to get him out. Harley shouted back at them, trying to make them see reason and let him stay. Alice was also shouting, demanding for someone to explain to her what was going on, while Peter tried to pull her back, away from the Joker. At the sound of everyone yelling Ben started screaming too, as if trying to be heard over all the noise. Nana didn't react at all, and just continued knitting as though nothing strange was going on, humming happily to herself. The Joker stood in the middle of all the chaos, trying not to laugh but unable to help himself. After several minutes of this Harley grew sick of it and screamed louder than she ever had before, causing everyone to cover their ears and stop shouting for a moment.

"Now listen up everybody," said Harley, her voice a bit raspy from having screamed so loudly. "Me and Mistah J came a long way to see you guys, and we're not leaving until after Christmas. We're only doin' this once, and I promise that after Christmas day we'll never bother you again, isn't that right Puddin'?"

"Of course, Harl," said Joker sweetly. "You see, we just wanted to spend Christmas with the family, the _entire_ family. Christmas is a time for family after all, and it would be such a shame if anyone couldn't stay and enjoy it with us."

The message wouldn't have been any clearer if he had threatened to disembowel anyone who tried to leave. It was clear by the words he had spoken and the way he had spoken them that there would be serious consequences for anyone who tried to escape.

"Harleen, are you trying to put me and your mother in the nuthouse?" asked Don furiously.

"If she succeeds, you can bunk with me," said Joker.

"Shut up clown," growled Don, momentarily forgetting who he was talking to. The Joker smiled wickedly but stayed quiet.

"Harleen, he can't stay here," said Marie through gritted teeth.

"I like him," piped up Nana suddenly. "I think we should let him stay."

"Well it's settled then!" declared Joker as Don opened his mouth to protest again.

"Will someone please explain to me what's going on?" asked Alice as she picked up her son and held him tightly.

"Alice, this is my sister Harley. Harley, this is my wife Alice," said Peter nervously.

"Wife? You mean she's my sister-in-law? Why didn't you tell me? I've always wanted a sister!" squealed Harley as she hugged the woman, who looked very confused. "And the baby is your son, right? That means I'm an aunt, too! This is the best Christmas ever! Well, maybe not_ the _best," said Harley as she winked at the Joker. Her first Christmas with him was definitely her favorite.

"Alice huh?" said Joker as he gazed at her. "I have a friend down at the asylum who would love to meet you, but then again, you are a bit old for his taste."

There was a moment of awkward silence, until Joker spoke again. "I hate to break up the party, but Harley and I have been traveling all day and we're exhausted. Where do we sleep?"

Marie had been about to suggest the old doghouse outside but Harley spoke up first and said, "We can stay in my room, Puddin'! I can't wait for you to see it." She picked up their suitcase and grabbed his hand and began dragging him away.

"I bid thee goodnight, Quinzel family!" said Joker as he and Harley began to climb the stairs to her room. "May visions of suger-plums dance in your head as you sleep tonight."

Once they had disappeared down the hall, Don, Marie, Alice and Peter gathered together to discuss what they were going to do about their current predicament.

"Please tell me that was not _the_ Joker," began Alice.

"I'm afraid it was. He and my sister are kind of an item," admitted Peter.

"And why was I not told about this? You told me she was-"

"I was hoping I'd never have to tell you what really happened to Harley, it's not exactly something our family is proud of," said Peter sadly.

"I say I go get my shotgun from downstairs and run him out," said Don. "And if he refuses I'll shoot him. I think given the circumstances the police would understand."

"No Don, we're not murderers, and we're not going to become murderers for his sake. None of us are going to kill the Joker, even if we'd like to," said Marie.

"Then what are we going to do about him? He'll ruin Christmas and likely kill us all if we don't do something about him. When we invited Harleen to come home he wasn't part of the plan," said Don, fighting to keep his voice low.

"We'll go ahead with the plan anyway, we can't give up now just because he's here," replied Marie.

"What plan? Did I miss something?" asked Peter.

"It's none of your business son," said Marie absently. "We'll let him stay since we have no choice, but we won't let him screw everything up. Someone needs to stay with him at all times to make sure he doesn't rig the house to explode or break anything. And if at all possible, try to keep him away from Harley. The Joker may think he's in control here, but he'll find out soon enough that he's not as powerful as he thinks he is."

"God help us all," said Peter, no doubt in his mind that they would all end up dead sooner or later by the Joker's hand.

xxxx

Harley led him down a long hallway to the second-to-last room on the left. Inside there wasn't much, just a bed, a closet, a bed-side drawer with a lampshade and a toy-box in the corner. The walls were painted a bright pink and the carpet was also pink.

"What do ya think?" asked Harley as she set down the suitcase.

"Who paints their room this color? It feels like my eyes are bleeding," replied Joker, disgusted. "It looks like someone vomited Pepto-Bismol everywhere."

"I see what you mean, but when I was a kid pink was my favorite color. But not anymore, I like green better."

"Your bed is so tiny," said Joker as he sat down on the pink blanket. "There's only room for one."

"Sorry Mistah J, back then I didn't need a bigger bed. But don't worry, you can have it. I'll sleep on the floor."

"That's my girl," said Joker as he patted her head.

After Joker had stripped down to just his purple polka-dotted boxers and Harley had changed into her night-gown, Joker laid down in the bed while Harley laid down on the blanket she had put down for herself.

"I think your family likes me," said Joker as he looked down at her from underneath the covers.

"What's not to like?" said Harley as she reached up and stroked his green hair affectionately.

"Your grandmother especially seems to like me, you'd better watch out Harley, I think you've got some competition."

"You like older women Mistah J?" giggled Harley.

"It doesn't matter how old they are, as long they're fun," chuckled Joker.

"I'm fun, aren't I Puddin'?" asked Harley, needing to be reassured.

"Harley-girl, you're the second most fun person on the planet."


	5. Chapter 5

**December 23: Two days 'till Christmas**

The Joker awoke the next morning to an alarm clock going off. He groaned in irritation as he picked up the wretched thing and carried it to the window. He opened it and saw snowflakes drifting down from the sky and landing peacefully on a blanket of snow. He also saw a man dressed up in a santa suit ringing a bell and collecting donations for charity across the road from the gate. The Joker reared his arm back and threw the clock as hard as he could, hitting the man squarely between the eyes. The man collapsed and cried out in pain and surprise as the Joker laughed hysterically and shut the window. He then proceeded to get dressed, shave, and choose the weapons he wished to carry around with him that day, all before Harley woke up. The woman was such a heavy sleeper, he could probably pop those baby-blues of hers right out of her skull (something he had always wanted to do) and she wouldn't notice. Instead, he rummaged through their suitcase until he found her harlequin makeup and then smeared it all over her face. When he had finished, it looked like a three year old's horrible attempt at finger painting. She still hadn't woken, and so he picked her up, set her on the bed, and then rolled her off. The second she hit the floor her eyes shot open.

"Huh? What happened?" she asked sleepily as she stood up. "Wait, didn't I go to sleep on the other side of the bed?"

"Must have been sleep-walking," said Joker simply as he took her hand to lead her downstairs. He could smell pancakes downstairs which got him excited.

Once they got to the stairs Joker climbed up on the handrail and slid down, with Harley following suit. When they reached the kitchen they found that everyone had already started eating without them.

Joker walked over to Alice and put his hands on her shoulders as he said, "Alice darling, do you think you could do me a favor and help Harley? She's having trouble with her makeup this morning."

"What are you talkin' about Mistah J, I haven't got on any makeup," said Harley, confused by his words and the looks she was getting from everyone. She then caught sight of herself in a mirror hanging on the wall.

"Oh Mistah J!" gasped Harley as she dashed up the stairs.

The Joker doubled over laughing and said in between gasps of laughter, "So, where do I sit?"

"You can have my seat, I just lost my appetite," grumbled Don as he stood up and left the table.

"That is so kind of you, Don," said Joker as he took his seat at the head of the table and piled up a plate of pancakes. He looked at Alice who was sitting next to him and warned, "Hold my hand and I'll slug you!"

Alice wanted to slug him but didn't want to give him a reason to kill her, so she focused on the food on her plate as he laughed at his own joke.

Harley returned about ten minutes later, her face glowing red with embarrassment. "That was mean Mistah J, you made me look like a zombie."

"Oh, but Pumpkin Pie, it was just a joke," said Joker innocently. "Besides, I think you make a lovely zombie princess."

"Really?" asked Harley. He winked in response and she let out a delighted squeal as she plopped down on his lap.

"Not at the table Harley," said Marie, disgusted by what had just happened.

"Better listen to Mama, Pooh," said Joker as he shoved her off of him and onto the floor. Harley took a seat next to Peter, her face full of disappointment that she wouldn't get to sit with her man and irritation at her mother for trying to keep them apart.

Peter couldn't believe what he had just seen. He knew for a fact that if he ever painted Alice's face to make her look like a zombie bride it would take a lot more than a bit of flattery to get back on her good side. How could Harley be so forgiving?

For the rest of the meal, Joker was the only one keeping the conversation alive, focusing his attention on one person at a time and asking them questions about themselves, ranging from casual topics to very personal ones. Each time he would ask one of them something they of course had no choice but to respond, trying to sound polite but not terrified. He ignored Harley completely and almost every time he directed a question at Alice he would slip in a flirtatious or downright sexual remark, making her the most uncomfortable, irritated, and frightened person at the table. Peter felt his anger rising, and he wished he could do something about it. Even if it wasn't the Joker who was hitting on his wife he still didn't think he'd be able to do anything about it, he just wasn't good at standing up to people, much less psychos. Everyone was relieved when he finished his food, taking it as a sign that they could now leave the table without getting shot.

"Harley, be a dear and help me wash the dishes," said Marie as she began collecting the dirty plates.

"Mom, we have a dishwasher ya'know," replied Harley.

"It's broken," snapped back Marie.

As Harley went to help her mother, Joker took the morning paper and sat down on the recliner in the living room. Peter and Alice practically ran out of the room with Ben, while Nana calmly sat down in her rocking chair and began kitting something new.

"Harley we need to talk. This thing with the Joker, it needs to stop," said Marie as she filled the sink with water.

"Give me one good reason why I should," Harley fired back.

"I can think of a billion reasons, the best one being that he's a serial killer. But since that fact obviously doesn't bother you, why don't we focus on some of the other horrible things about him, starting with his clothes. Look at that suit, it's hideous! Purple hasn't been in style in ages. And he dresses like a clown. Do you really want to be seen with a man like that?"

"I wouldn't want to be seen with anyone else."

"He refuses to work and instead steals from people, he's certifiably insane, and he flirts with other women. Did you not hear all those things he said to Alice this morning? Don't be surprised when he ditches you for someone else."

"Mistah J was just foolin' around, he would never leave me for Alice, or any other woman for that matter, no matter how pretty they might be. He jokes around sometimes, but I know I'm his one and only. My Puddin's a one-girl clown," said Harley without a hint of doubt in her eyes.

"Even if that's true, which I find hard to believe, he's still a terrible person. That rabid dog drove you insane for crying out loud!"

"How dare you call him a dog! And he did not make me crazy. He made me like him," said Harley adoringly.

"Exactly! Thank you for clearing that up!" Marie nearly shouted.

Harley opened her mouth to protest when Joker suddenly called her from the living room. Harley skipped over to him and Marie followed to see what the clown could possibly want. She looked and saw that he was showing her something in the paper. At first she assumed it was the comics because of the way they were laughing, but closer inspection revealed it to be the obituaries.

"Harley!" hissed Marie once they had returned to the sink. "What is wrong with you? He was laughing at the dead, and you were laughing with him!"

"We weren't laughing at all of them, just one of 'em. Yesterday when we were drivin' here Mistah J was making the driver go really fast and we got pulled over by a cop and well, let's just say he won't have the guts to ever do it again. The driver figured out who we were pretty fast after that."

"You know, there are plenty of fish in the sea, you should at least try to date someone else. You're not married thank goodness, and you don't have any kids, do you?" asked Marie, pretty sure of what the answer would be but worried all the same.

"Well, I've been meaning to tell you Mom, we're expecting a little Joker junior."

"Harleen Francis Quinzel!" roared Marie. "How could you? What have you done?"

"Calm down Mom, it was just a joke," laughed Harley. "I'm not pregnant."

"You'd better be glad you're not," grumbled Marie. "Harley, as your mother I am begging you, leave that psychotic loser and find a man who actually deserves you. Don't let that clown ruin your life."

"He didn't ruin my life, Mom, he made it infinitely better," insisted Harley as Joker came back in the kitchen.

"I'm bored Harley," said Joker in a tone that clearly said _do something about it_.

"Well um, let's see. Oh look, it's snowing outside! How did I not notice that before? Why don't we go play in the snow, Puddin? I know we didn't bring anything really suitable for it, but still."

"Never stopped me before," said Joker with a shrug as he opened the door and went outside.

"I'm gonna get my jacket!" called Harley. She dashed up the stairs and quickly returned dressed in a jacket and jeans and flew out the door.

"Is he gone?" asked Don as he reentered the kitchen.

"For now. Harley still refuses to see reason," said Marie, frustrated. "Look at them out there, rolling around in the snow like children," she said as she watched them through the window. "It's disgusting, what if they neighbors see?"

"We'll tell them Peter likes to dress up as the Joker or something," said Don with a shrug. "What exactly did he do to her? She used to be so smart and sensible, and now she's, well, not," said Don as he sat down at the table with a sigh. "Hopefully someday she'll have kids as troublesome as she's being and then she'll understand what we're going through."

"Don't say that! If they ever had kids they'd all be just like him!" cried Marie.

"Thanks for the disturbing mental images, honey," said Don as he took a sip of coffee.

"I called Adrian, he should be here soon. He's our last hope for Harley's future. But before he gets here, you should talk to Joker."

Don choked on his coffee and it took him a minute to recover. "Did I hear you correctly?"

"Maybe you can convince him to leave Harley. Offer him money or something. Try to get him out of Harley's life and out of our hair."

"You want me to try to negotiate with the Joker? Do you want me to die?"

"The way I see it, you either talk to him or give him a lobotomy. You are a doctor, after all."

"I'm a heart surgeon," Don reminded her.

"Heart, brain, what's the difference?"

Don stared at her and said, "That is the weirdest thing you have ever said, which is saying quite a lot."

"I'm desperate here, okay? I hate him! I hate him and I want him gone!" yelled Marie.

"You think I don't?" he angrily accused.

"Then talk to him. This may be our last chance to save our little girl and I won't have you ruining it just because you couldn't handle talking to her boyfriend."

"Fine, I'll do it, but I'll tell you right now it won't work.

xxxx

Peter and Alice were sitting on the bed in his room, debating if it would be safe to go downstairs or not.

I say we go downstairs. Just because we're not in the same room with him it doesn't make us any safer," said Alice as Ben played with his toys at their feet.

"I feel safer not being in the same room with him," countered Peter. "Besides, what if he tries to hurt Ben?"

Alice pulled her out gun and brandished it. "He comes anywhere near Ben I'll shoot him."

"Will you shoot to kill?" asked Peter as he eyed the gun.

"Now honey, you know I never shoot to kill. Of course with the Joker, I may make an exception," she said as she put the gun back in its holster.

"You're not afraid of him?"

"Well sure, isn't everyone? Except your parents, apparently. He creeps me out, but I'm not about to let him use my fear against me. That's where he gets a lot of his power, and without it I bet he wouldn't be nearly as powerful."

"Oh you poor, confused, crazy lady," said Peter as he shook his head. "I know that here in Metropolis we don't have to put up with many lunatics dressed as clowns and we're kind of spoiled because of it, but underestimating him will only make him kill you sooner, which is why I believe he's going to kill Mom and Dad before he does the rest of us."

"Why aren't your parents afraid of him? Or at least, why don't they fear him as much as normal people do?" asked Alice curiously.

"I think it's because they loath him so much that they're hatred blocks out the fear they should be feeling, for the most part. I know it sounds weird, but with my parents it actually kinda makes sense. And they wonder why we turned out the way we did."

"Even so, I still think we shouldn't let the clown intimidate us. It's just the Joker, he's not Superman."

"And you're not Wonder Woman. Besides, I think super powers would only get in his way."

"Come on Pete, be brave," said Alice as she wrapped her arms around him.

"I'd feel safer if you'd let me use a gun," he mumbled into her copper hair.

"You know I would, but I'm afraid you'd accidentally shoot yourself."

"Nice to have a spouse who trusts me."

Alice chuckled lightly and said, "How do you feel about your baby sister dating one of the world's most notorious criminals?"

"She sure seems happy, but I just hope he doesn't end up killing her."


	6. Chapter 6

Outside, Harley and Joker were building a snowman that somewhat resembled a certain bat. Once it was completed, they kicked it and pummeled it until it was nothing more than a pile of snow. Joker then made a snowball and threw it at her, hitting her in the chest. Harley made a snowball of her own and threw it at him, somehow managing to him square in the face.

"Sorry Mistah J," she said as she covered her mouth to keep from laughing. In retaliation he pounced on her and shoved her face into the snow. He then grabbed a bunch of snow and shoved it down the back of her shirt. When he eventually let her back up, she was shivering even more than she had been before.

"I-I think we'd better go back in P-Puddin', we're gonna freeze to d-death," she said, grinning.

"Wuss," said Joker, but the truth was he was starting to get a bit chilled himself. They ran back inside, and up to her room.

"I'm gonna take a hot shower to warm up, wanna join me?" she asked.

"If you're lucky," he said with a wink.

She ran to the bathroom and stripped out of her wet clothes. She stepped into the shower and turned the water on, letting the hot water warm her back up. At some point Joker joined her, he wrapped his arms around her and just when she thought he was going to kiss her he began tickling her in all of her ticklish areas until she was having to force herself to not scream with laughter. He wouldn't stop tickling her and she could barely breathe she was laughing so hard so she hopped out of the shower, grabbed a towel and made a mad dash for her room. He chased her to her bed and blew raspberries on her stomach. He didn't stop until he heard someone enter the room.

Peter stood in the doorway, horrified at the scene before him. It wasn't so much that he was witnessing the Joker torture his sister, so much as the fact that he was seeing her and her insane boyfriend butt-naked. He would never be able to un-see what he had just saw. Mortified, Harley grabbed the covers and tried to cover herself while Joker stood up and just stared at him, the look on his face daring Peter to say something.

"Um, J-Joker, Don would like to talk to you in his room, if that's okay…" he said nervously.

"Why thank you, Pete," said Joker as he went over to the suitcase and put on a fresh suit.

Peter left the room feeling like he needed to take a shower. Several showers.

After they had dressed, Joker went over to the bedside table and opened the top drawer and pulled out a small book. "Just wanted to let you know, I was going through your stuff last night and found child and teenage-Harley's diary. Talk about a harlequin novel."

"No Mistah J, that's private!" said Harley as she tried to take the diary back, but he held it just out of her reach. "Give it back!"

"I promise I'll give it back, after I've enjoyed it," said Joker with a taunting grin as he pocketed the diary.

Harley stuck out her lower lip in a pout and showed Joker where her parent's room was. Joker entered the room without knocking and found Don waiting for him.

When Don saw the Joker, he felt the urge to strangle him, a feeling he was quite accustomed to. He had considered taking him to the room where he kept all his guns to intimidate him (it had worked on all of Harley's other boyfriends) but then remembered who he was dealing with and how incredibly stupid that would be.

"We need to talk, Joker," said Don quietly, making the smile on Joker's face grow even wider.

"About what, may I ask? The weather, sports, women, perhaps?"

"Just one woman, actually. I want you to leave my daughter," said Don, maintaining eye-contact despite the fear he felt.

The Joker just stared at him for a moment, as though trying to decide whether or not the man was serious. "I'll have you know Don, can I call you Don?"

"You may call me Mr. Quinzel," said Don, trying to keep the anger out of his tone.

"So as I was saying, _Dad_," sneered Joker. "I've left her many times but she always comes back. She's like a boomerang or a golden retriever, but prettier and more annoying."

"But you let her come back. If you refused to let her come back she'd eventually stop," insisted Don.

"You obviously don't know your daughter as well as you think you do," sighed Joker. "I think the only way I could ever accomplish that would be to kill her, and while I wouldn't care, you would, so I'm guessing you don't want me to do that."

"Listen, I'm willing to give you 1.5 million dollars to leave Harleen for good. It's all we have, and we're willing to pay you to leave her alone."

"You make a tempting offer, but no. Good hench-girls are hard to come by, and Harley's the closest I've ever come to having one that was actually worth something," said Joker flippantly. "But you know, if you really want to get rid of that money, then I've got an idea. Let's take the money, stack it in the shape of a Christmas tree in front of your house, set in on fire and sing Christmas carols while we all hold hands in a circle. Does that sound good to you?"

"What would we have to do to get you to leave her? Name your price, we'll do anything," begged Don. He felt that begging was beneath him, but he was tired of all this nonsense.

"Tell you what, Dad. I want you and your wife to cut out your hearts, put them in a box with a shiny red bow, and give it to me as a Christmas present. Then I might consider not letting Harley come back the next time I kick her out again. Deal?"

"What is wrong with you?" asked Don, angry and a bit disturbed. What exactly was his daughter dating, anyway?

"You know Dad, I understand why you want me gone so badly. I also know that you're keeping something from Harley, something that would break her heart if she ever found out," said Joker, smiling like a naughty child who knows more than he should.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Don, starting to sweat.

"Oh, I think you do. You know exactly what I'm talking about, and Harley would never forgive you if _someone_ were to tell her the truth."

"You wouldn't dare," Don challenged.

"Try me," said Joker, his face suddenly serious. "I have a question, Dad. Do you hate me because of what I've done to your daughter, or because of what I've done to your reputation through your daughter?"

The Joker laughed as he exited the room, leaving Don with his mouth agape.

As he left, he walked passed Marie and cheerfully said, "Hi Mom!"

"Mom?" said Marie as once he had disappeared. "He's calling me Mom now? Didn't you talk to him?"

"Yes, I talked to the freak," snarled Don.

"Then apparently you just made things worse! I don't want him calling me Mom! What happened, exactly?"

"Let's just say this is going to be a lot harder than we thought."

xxxx

That night, the Joker and Harley were trying to get to sleep, but were unable to due to Ben's crying.

"I swear I'm going to kill that kid," growled Joker.

"No you're not, Mistah J, he's my nephew, the only one I have," replied Harley with a yawn.

"Hey Harley, what's worse than twenty babies in one trash can?" asked Joker as he leaned over the bed to look at her.

"I don't know, what?" asked Harley sleepily.

"One baby in twenty trash cans," snickered Joker.

"That's terrible Mistah J," said Harley with a laugh.

"A man and his wife go to a bar, where everyone yells at him and calls him a pedophile because he's fifty and she's only twenty. Later the guy's telling his friend about this and his friend says, "I'm real sorry about that." And the guy says, "Yeah, it really ruined our ten year anniversary."

"That's terrible too," Harley giggled.

The Joker sat up and said, "So there was this blonde sitting in a row-boat in the middle of a wheat-field, and this other blonde calls out to her and says, "You idiot, you give us a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

Harley giggled quietly and said, "I'm tired Mistah J, I gotta get to sleep."

"Party pooper, you just didn't like that last one because it was a blonde joke," said Joker as he got out of bed.

"Where are ya goin'? asked Harley, now half-asleep.

"Gonna get something to eat, there's no way I can sleep with that brat screaming all night," grumbled Joker.

"Don't kill him, okay?"

"We'll see."

The Joker crept quietly down the stairs and went into the kitchen. He began searching through the cupboards and the fridge looking for a decent snack, but found almost nothing. Apparently Harley's parents were health-food addicts and bought nothing with sugar in it. Even the pancakes had been sugar-free. Marie could definitely cook, and he wished Harley had inherited that particular ability, but at least she wasn't obsessed with eating only healthy food. As he continued searching he began to wonder if he was staying with Harley's parents or Richard Simmons. Eventually he settled on some crackers that looked almost edible and drowned them in sugar-free syrup.

"Joker?" he heard someone say behind him.

He turned and saw that it was Marie.

"Well hello _Mom_," said Joker. He offered one of his crackers and said, "Wanna bite?"

"No thank you," said Marie as she opened one of the cupboards and pulled out a glass and filled it with water, the whole time looking like she wished she could be anywhere but here, as though she were offended by his very existence. She took a sip and wondered if she should say anything to him.

"What are you doing up so late?" he asked as he wiped a bit of syrup off the plate with the tip of his finger and put it in his mouth.

"I couldn't sleep, too much on my mind I suppose," she said with a glare. She wished he wouldn't talk to her so she wouldn't have to answer him. She was starting to wonder if she had committed some heinous crime in a former life, and if he was her punishment. It would make sense, after all, there were few things she hated more than him.

"Me neither, your grandson won't shut up," said Joker as he finished his snack and put his plate in the sink.

"Can I ask you a question?" asked Marie suddenly.

"You just did, but I suppose you may ask one more," he said with a smile.

"Do care for Harleen at all? Is she just a tool to you, a toy? Or do you actually love her, like she claims you do?" She hadn't planned to ask him these things, but she needed to know.

"Good question. I think a better question would be, do you?" he asked as he raised an eyebrow.

Before Marie could defend herself, there was a knocking on the front door.

"It's three in the morning, who could it be?" asked Marie.

She went to answer the door while Joker stayed hidden in the kitchen, listening to hear who it was. He wondered if it was the cops. If so, whoever had called them would pay, whether it be one of Harley's family, or the idiot taxi driver.

Marie opened the door and quietly exclaimed, "Adrian, it's so good to see you!"

"It's great to see you too, Marie," said a man's voice.

Joker peeked and saw Marie hugging some strange man. It was the most emotion he had seen in her the entire time he had known her, not counting the times where she had been passionately screaming at Harley to stop loving him. Perhaps he was her secret lover.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as she pulled away from him.

"My car broke down a little ways from here, and I was wondering if I could use your phone. I hope I didn't wake you."

"I was already awake, and of course you can use my phone, just give me a second," she said pleasantly. She ran back in the kitchen and said, "Joker, we have a guest, and well, I'm not sure how to say this, but could you-"

"Make him feel welcome? Why didn't you say so?" said Joker as he strutted into the living room.

"No don't!" she hissed. "Great, scare him away, why don't you?" Marie muttered under her breath. "I'm going to get Don," she announced.

The instant the man caught sight of the clown before him his eyes widened and his face paled.

"Hello there," said Joker in a friendly tone. "I assume you already know who I am, but I don't know who you are."

"A-Adrian Whitlock." He answered timidly as he extended his hand. The Joker surprised him by accepting it and shaking his hand as though they were great pals.

"And how do you know the charming Quinzel clan?" inquired the Joker.

"I used to date their daughter," he replied.

"Funny, I'm dating their daughter right now," said the Joker in a non-threatening tone.

"You're a lucky guy, I was a fool to let her get away from me," said Adrian, starting to feel slightly safer , now that they had breached a touchy subject without the Joker ripping his lungs out.

The Joker just shrugged and said, "I wouldn't call it luck but, whatever."

At that moment Don and Marie came back down the stairs. "Adrian, good to see you, my boy!" said Don as he shook his hand and clapped him on the back. It was the first time Don had smiled or come off as pleasant at all since Joker had met him, and Joker wondered what they liked so much about this guy. Harley's parents weren't even this civil around their own children and grandchild. Maybe he was Superman's alter ego or something.

"What's going on?" said Harley as she came down the stairs, still looking a bit sleepy but otherwise awake.

"Hello Harley, long time no see," said Adrian as he smiled at her.

"Adrian? What are you doing here?" asked Harley angrily. "Last time I saw you I distinctly remember telling you I never wanted to see you again." She turned to face her parents. "Did you invite him? You did didn't you? How could you?"

"We did not, he needed to use the phone," argued Marie.

"Yeah sure, and it's just a huge coincidence that he just happens to show up when me and Mistah J do," she said sarcastically.

"Harley, I know you hate me and you have every right to do so, but I've changed, and I hope you can forgive me for what I did to you," said Adrian earnestly.

"You left me at the altar for some hooker you met at a strip club during your bachelor party! And you expect me to forgive you?" said Harley, fighting to keep her voice down. Ben had finally stopped crying and the last thing she wanted was to wake him up again.

"You two were going to be married?" asked Joker suddenly. "Then this must be so romantic for the both of you. I'll leave you two love-birds alone."

"It's not like that, Mistah J!" said Harley as he went up the stairs. "Don't leave me alone with this creep!" She tried to follow him but was stopped by her parents.

"Harleen, we have a guest, and you're being very rude," Marie scolded.

"I'm tired, it's three in the morning and I want to go to sleep." It was true of course, but she just didn't want to spend another second with the pig before her. "I'll be polite in the morning."

"But I'll be gone by then, and I was hoping we could talk so I could explain things," said Adrian sadly.

"Nonsense, why don't you stay with us for a few days?" offered Marie. "You could stay in the guest room."

"I don't want to impose-"

"It's no trouble, really," insisted Marie.

"All right then," said Adrian, perking up a bit.

"What are you doing? He can't stay here!" hissed Harley.

"Harleen, we can't just send him outside in the snow, he'd freeze to death," said Don.

"Good, let him freeze. It's a wonder he hasn't already, what with that frozen heart of his."

"Harleen!" hissed Marie.

"Stop calling me Harleen! My name is Harley, and I'm going to bed." On her way to the stairs she stopped in front of her parents and whispered, "I know what you're doing, and it won't work. You can't make me stop lovin' Mistah J, I don't care how many men you sic on me."

Harley went back upstairs and lay down on her blanket on the floor. She could tell by his breathing pattern that the Joker wasn't asleep, so she spoke to him.

"I'm sorry about that Mistah J. My parents are way out of line, inviting Adrian to stay. He's the only boyfriend I've ever had that they actually liked and approved of, and for some reason they'd rather have me be with him than you, but don't worry, it won't work, I'll never leave you."

He ignored her, which irritated her. Why was he treating her this way? It wasn't her fault her parents were insane! She forced herself to try to sleep, hoping that the Joker would kill Adrian very soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**December 24: Christmas Eve**

The next morning, as Peter descended the stairs, Adrian was already up and helping Marie set the table for breakfast.

"Morning Peter!" said Adrian cheerfully.

"Adrian? What are you doing here?" he went over to his mother and whispered, "When I went to sleep last night Adrian wasn't here, and now he's here. Did something happen last night that I'm not aware of?"

"Adrian is our honored guest for Christmas, so be polite," said Marie with a smile.

"He's your plan isn't he? You want him to make Harley love him again, right?"

"Of course not," said Marie, but her tone implied otherwise.

"I don't know why Mom and Dad are getting so worked up over having the Joker here for Christmas," Peter muttered under his breath as Marie walked away. "He's obviously not the only nutcase in this house."

Once the food was ready, everyone had gotten up except for Joker and Harley.

"Shouldn't we wait for them?" said Peter as they sat down to eat.

"I see no reason why we should let the food get cold," said Don simply.

"Where is that sweet boy with the green hair?" asked Nana as she looked around the room. "He's going to miss his breakfast."

Joker and Harley came down for breakfast a few minutes later. They were having eggs and toast this time, and Joker was disappointed that they weren't having pancakes again. With Adrian at the table there wasn't enough room for them all, so Adrian offered Harley his place.

"No thanks, I'll just sit with Mistah J, if that's okay, _Mom_," said Harley bitingly as she sat down on his lap.

This time Marie didn't complain and Don actually stayed at the table.

"So Harley, how has life in Gotham been?" asked Adrian as he took a bite of eggs.

"You mean in or out of the asylum?" asked Harley with a condescending smile.

"Well, outside, of course," replied Adrian.

"Amazing. I mean, I'm always havin' to keep an eye for the cops or B-man, but it's been great. Everything's so wonderful with my Puddin'" she said as she gazed up at him adoringly. He just ignored her and took a bite of burnt toast.

"Still doing the crime thing, huh?" he said, in a tone that implied that it was normal.

"Yup. Why just a few weeks ago, I helped Mistah J put a mob boss out of business. You wanna know how we did it? By killin' him and any one of his men that didn't agree to work for Mistah J. We killed his men pretty quickly, but it was hours before the boss stopped screaming, we almost didn't get to sleep that night. That's how we learned to not use crushed glass."

"Harleen! We do not talk about murder at the table!" barked Marie.

Usually Harley wouldn't be talking about it at all with them, but since the Joker had yet to make a move against the creep she felt that she needed to try to get rid of him herself. Maybe she could scare him away; with a past like hers she could probably have even the most desperate guy running for the hills, but Adrian didn't seem bothered by what she had said.

"So Adrian, what do you do for a living?" asked Joker curiously.

"I'm a defense attorney," said Adrian proudly.

"I've certainly gone through my share of those," said Joker in a tone that one would use to discuss the weather.

For the rest of the meal Joker kept asking Adrian questions as though they were close friends. Adrian didn't seem to mind too much, but he kept trying to talk to Harley, with zero results. Harley couldn't understand why Joker was being so friendly to him, he should be using the fork he was eating with to gut him like a fish, but he was doing nothing! She began to worry, had she done something to upset him, had she done something wrong? Had her mother been right, was their another woman? Certainly not Alice, a married cop with a child, but could he possibly be in love with someone else? She was beginning to wonder if coming here was a bad idea.

After everyone had finished eating and the table had been cleared, Peter pulled Adrian aside. "Can we talk?"

"Sure, buddy," said Adrian.

Peter led him into another room where they wouldn't be heard. "Adrian, do you have a death wish?"

"Why would you think that?" asked Adrian, the look on his face confused.

"It's obvious that you're trying to make Harley love you again, and I don't think the Joker would appreciate you trying to steal his girl."

"I thought that too, at first. When your parents and I discussed doing this the Joker wasn't part of the plan, so when I realized he was here I was almost too afraid to pursue Harley again. But the Joker hasn't killed me like I thought he would, and he actually seems to like me."

"Doesn't it bother you that Harley's kind of, you know, insane?"

"Nothing a good dose of reality and normalcy can't cure. Once I get her away from the Joker, I'll make her as good as new."

"That doesn't change the fact that the Joker doesn't like to share his things."

"You and I both know Harley doesn't mean zip to him, she's just a useful servant to him. The world is full of girls that would be happy to work for him, he probably doesn't care who the girl is as long as she's pretty and useful, I mean, the Joker does seem pretty fickle. Besides, if he cared he would have done something by now."

"For your sake, I hope you're right," said Peter, fearing that Adrian was now at the top of Joker's hit list.

Everyone gathered in the living room where Harley said, "You know Mom, you and Daddy still haven't got a Christmas tree. Why is it that every year you wait until the last second to get one and put it up?"

"Don, why don't you take Joker and Peter out and get us one?" suggested Marie. Don looked like he wanted to strangle his wife for even suggesting it but said nothing.

"Or Adrian could go and Mistah J could stay," said Harley pointedly.

"Nonsense Harley, Adrian is a guest," said Joker as though this should have been obvious. "It would be terribly rude to make him do something he doesn't want to do. Besides, this'll be a great opportunity for me and Dad and Peter to get to know each other better!"

"You should leave as soon as possible, they'll probably run out of trees soon, if they haven't already," said Marie impatiently.

Don, Peter and Joker left five minutes later, with Marie practically shoving them out the door. Once they had left, Adrian said to Harley, "We need to talk."

"I don't think so," said Harley as she tried to escape but he grabbed her by the hand to stop her. "You're just part of my parent's evil plan to make me leave Mistah J and I'll tell ya right now, you might as well hit the road 'cause I'm not fallin' for it!"

"Please Harley, I don't want you to hate me, please just give me a chance to explain things," he pleaded.

"Fine," snapped Harley as they both sat down on the brown leather couch. Before them sat Ben, still eating his eggs on the coffee table and singing happily to himself. In the rocking chair sat Nana, knitting again as she almost always was.

"Listen Harley, you have every right to hate me, I understand that, but I want you to know how truly, deeply sorry I am for what I did to you. I was stupid and immature, and I was a fool to throw you away like garbage."

"What happened to you and the hooker? Didn't you live happily ever after?" said Harley mockingly.

"Hardly, and to tell you the truth, I never expected things to work out with her. I guess I was too afraid to commit myself to marriage, even if it was to the most wonderful woman I've ever met." Harley rolled her eyes at his flattery as he continued. "I want to start over, I want to forget the past, and I'm ready to try again. I want to do things right, I want to be with you."

"Sorry Adrian, but the Harley-train's left the station. Besides, I'm actually glad you dumped me, otherwise I never would have moved to Gotham and become a doctor and I never would have met my Puddin'. So thanks, I really appreciate it," said Harley with a smug grin.

"Harley, do you hear yourself? Do you really want to waste your life as some freak's victim? Think of all I could give you. I'm very successful, you wouldn't have to work. With me, marriage would be a viable option, and so would children. I could give you anything and everything you could ever want; what could he possibly give you, besides a cell in the loony bin and a place on Batman's most wanted list? Do you really think this relationship can ever go anywhere? He's no good for you, he doesn't deserve you, and he certainly will never love you. But I will. I love you Harley, so much that it hurts."

Harley turned to glare at him. How dare he say those things? She had been about to give him a piece of her mind but hesitated. She gazed at his handsome face and his chocolate-brown eyes that matched his hair almost perfectly. She was suddenly hit with a tidal wave of memories of the two of them together. Their long walks in the park, the flowers he would bring her for no reason, every kiss… Without even realizing it she found herself leaning towards him, nearly all control gone. What could one kiss hurt? The Joker had been ignoring her ever since Adrian had shown up, and while she was used to the silent treatment she wished he would at least fight for her, but he wasn't. He had left her alone and she couldn't stand it. Just as she was about to meet his lips, however, she was suddenly hit with another, more powerful wave of memories. Memories of her and the Joker. The day they first met, when he smiled at her from inside his lonely cell. The day when she gave herself to him completely. Memories of the way he would touch and kiss her, of how he would make her laugh, of the way he would speak to her and make her feel like she was the only girl in the world. She saw his beautiful face in her mind, heard the wonderful sound of his merry laughter. He knew her better than she knew herself, and despite all the mistakes she made and all the other women he could have chosen, he chose to keep her and be with her. He wasn't always capable of showing his love but she knew it existed, and despite any feelings she may have had for Adrian, despite all he could do for her, she loved the Joker and she would stay true to her man, no matter what. She opened her eyes just as he had been about to kiss her and she grabbed Ben's plate of food and shoved it in his face.

"Ugh! Harley!" said Adrian with shock and disgust.

"Alice!" Harley shouted. "Alice, let's go do something! Let's go shopping, right now!"

"Okay, just let me get ready-" said Alice as she popped her head in from the kitchen.

"You got on a shirt and shoes, that's all ya need!" said Harley as she grabbed her and Ben and dragged them out the door.

"I need to get my purse," said Alice.

"I have money, let's just go!" Harley said as she shoved them both in the car and hopped in the driver's seat and sped off.

"I'm sorry Adrian, I don't know what came over her," said Marie as she helped him brush bits of egg off his clothes.

"She was so close, she'll be mine by Christmas, just wait and see."

"And if she doesn't go back to you? If she won't see reason and stays with that loon?" asked Marie.

"Then we lock her up in the asylum here and send the clown back to Arkham, of course. Either way, that freak won't control her anymore. If I can't have her, then I'll make sure that psycho can't either."

"You're a good man Adrian," said Marie with a smile. "And Harleen's not made of stone. She'll make the right choice, I'm sure of it."


	8. Chapter 8

The Joker, Peter and Don were on their way to the Christmas tree lot. Peter was driving while Don rode shotgun and Joker rode in the back seat. The Joker had spent the trip in a monologue, talking about whatever he felt like talking about no matter how random. He had just been talking about how Harley, with her blonde hair and blue eyes and Peter, with his black hair and green eyes, looked nothing like their parents, who both had light brown hair and brown eyes. After a while he changed the subject again.

"You know Petey, I've been thinking," said Joker as he reached forward and lowered the volume on the Christmas music blaring from the radio. Don had turned the volume up in an attempt to drown out the Joker's voice, but no matter how loud the radio blared the Joker always managed to make himself heard. "You should come work for me in Gotham. You'd make a great henchman, and the pay is unbelievable."

"I d-don't think so, I'm not really cut out for breaking the law. I'd be a terrible henchman," said Peter, not wanting to work for the Joker but afraid that he would kill him if he said the wrong thing.

"Nonsense, you'd do just fine. I mean sure, you've got no muscle on you and you do seem kind of nice and caring and the job description does call for beefy guys with no respect for life, but stick around with me for a while, and those things would no longer be a problem. I bet you don't even have a job right now, what with the economy in the crap state it's in, and you don't want your family to starve, right?"

"Joker, quit trying to corrupt my son," said Don flatly.

Peter was grateful his father had intervened, but now he was sure the Joker would kill them both, just for the amount of attitude he had been receiving from his parents.

"You know Dad, you and your wife are different from most people," said Joker with a wide smile. "Most people would be wetting their pants every time I so much as looked in their general direction, but you guys don't. I'm just curious as to why."

"Trust me, there is nothing scarier than going into an asylum and finding your daughter underneath a psychopath who dresses up as a clown and murders for a living. My wife and I have become somewhat numb to everything that once frightened us, even you," said Don matter-of-factly.

Joker laughed and said, "Yeah, if I had a daughter and I caught her with someone I didn't approve of, I'd kill the guy and maybe even the girl, too."

"Why does that not surprise me," muttered Don sarcastically.

"Oh look, we're here!" announced Peter, eager to distract the Joker from murdering his father.

"You may want to stay in the car while we pick one out Joker, after all you don't want any unwanted attention," said Don as he opened his door to get out.

"On the contrary Dad, there is no such thing as unwanted attention," said Joker as he opened the door and leapt out into the snow. "My public loves me, and who am I to deny them of myself?"

Don swore under his breath as he and Peter followed him to look at the trees. There were a few other people there as well, and even though they ran away as soon as they caught sight of him, the Joker figured they wouldn't rat him out. After all, if they ratted him out it would mean acknowledging that it was in fact the Joker and not just some impersonator. This was Metropolis, and no one wanted to deal with the Joker, they didn't even want to accept the fact that he might leave Gotham and terrorize them for a change. They would pretend it wasn't him until they could pretend no more, it was human nature.

It took over an hour to do it (mainly because Joker was very picky about which tree he wanted, even though they looked all the same to Don and Peter) but eventually they were able to agree on one.

"Why don't you two go wait in the car while I pay for this, wouldn't want to scare anyone else, now would we?" said Don, and this time, Joker complied.

Once they were in the car, Peter in the driver's seat and Joker in the back, Joker declared, "You have a very, um, _special_ family, Pete."

"That's the understatement of the year," agreed Peter. "You got any family?" asked Peter without thinking, and he hoped with every fiber of his being that Joker wouldn't kill him for getting to personal.

"How should I know?" replied Joker, as though his answer cleared everything up. "So Peter Pan, everyone in this circus you call a family seems to have their own opinions of me. Even Baby Ben thinks he has me all figured out. So what I'm wondering is, what do you think of me? Don't worry, I promise you won't be killed for your opinion. If I do end up killing you it won't be because of anything you said."

"Really?" asked Peter, unsure whether he should feel relieved or terrified by this.

"If I'm lyin' I'm dyin."

Peter took a deep, calming breath and said, "Well, Harley seems to think you're some kind of misunderstood teddy bear, and Mom and Dad think you're the boyfriend from hell whose sole purpose in life is to make their lives miserable. I think Nana sees you as the son she never had, that or she has a crush on you, I'm not sure which." He decided it would be for the best that he not let him know what Alice thought of him. "And I, well, I'm not sure what to think beyond notorious criminal and Batman's biggest pain in the butt."

"Enough flattery, Petey-boy, what do you think of my relationship with your little sister? Not that I care, nothing you say will influence me either way, it's just that your parents have made it quite clear what they think of me dating Harley and I'm curious as to what you think."

"W-Well I'm not sure quite what to think about that either," said Peter, knowing he was treading dangerous waters, walking on eggshells trying to appease the madman behind him. "She seems happy with you, but I worry about her sometimes. You're not going to eventually kill her, are you?"

"Yes, no, maybe, probably, go fish," replied the Joker with a shrug. "Truth is I really don't know. Most days I want to beat her to death with a baseball bat like a piñata and see if candy comes out, but every once in a while the urge to kill her isn't as strong as usual, when her annoying quirks suddenly become endearing and I forget why I wanted to kill her in the first place and I can't seem to get enough of her. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose."

Peter didn't know what to say, or think. He was both touched and disturbed by what the Joker had just said.

"You know Pete, I've enjoyed talking to you. I feel that we've made a special connection as sort-of not-really brother-in-laws, and I feel like you're the only person I can talk to in the Quinzel house of horrors. You're a great guy, and I don't say that often."

Peter could tell by the words he spoke that the Joker was just trying to manipulate him for no reason other to entertain himself, but the way he spoke the words, it was as if he actually cared about him, as if he actually saw him a friend. He no longer blamed Harley for falling for the Joker; while she was in no way guiltless it was obvious to him now that the Joker had been mostly responsible for the way she was now. He had believed Harley had joined him just because she had a crush on him, and because she wanted to break the law and live on the wild side, but he knew better now. He had only been subjected to a small dose of the Joker's uncanny ability to mesmerize and hypnotize and it left him feeling a bit dizzy, while Harley had received an overdose of him.

Don returned then, followed by a couple of guys carrying the tree. As they tied it to the roof of the car, Joker whispered in Peter's ear, "My offer stands until I leave after Christmas, Petey. I do hope you'll make the smart choice."


	9. Chapter 9

Harley and Alice drove to a nearby mall and went inside the first clothing store they came to. They walked around the store looking at the clothes, but neither of them were thinking about clothes.

"Do you want to talk?" asked Alice hesitantly.

"It's not fair!" said Harley, so loudly that the people around them shot them dirty looks. "Why can't my parents at least pretend to like Mistah J for me? And why do they feel the need to try to make me love someone else? Do you know what it's like, Alice, to love someone that no one approves of? To have everyone tell you you're making a mistake when you know you're not?"

"I have a pretty good idea," admitted Alice as she set Ben down and held his tiny hand. "When I started dating Peter, no one thought that anything would come of it, so when I fell in love and agreed to marry him, everyone thought I was making a mistake. They said I should have married someone with money or power, like a lawyer or a doctor or something. When I first agreed to date him I didn't think anything would come of it either, he wasn't exactly at the top of the list of guys I was attracted to, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and you can't help who you fall in love with, I suppose."

Harley stared at her as though she were seeing her for the first time. "Finally, someone who understands! You know, when I first started treating Mistah J the thought of dating him never even crossed my mind, much less love. But over time, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him, until I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be with him, but I couldn't because of my job. It was almost funny, my job had brought us together and it was keeping us apart. But then he broke out and a few days later Batman dragged him back to the asylum, a beaten, bloody pulp. It was then that I knew what I had to do. I gave up everything for him and became Harley Quinn and I've never regretted it, not once."

"Aren't you afraid he might, y'know, kill you?" asked Alice as she looked at some dresses.

"Well of course there's always that possibility, but even though Mistah J could kill me at any time I know he never would, he loves me too much. I trust him with my life, and my heart," said Harley adoringly.

"That's really romantic, in a weird and twisted kind of way," said Alice, unable to comprehend the girl's infatuation. Sure, he had a primal animal magnetism about him, and he could be charming when he wanted to be, but still.

"Ya know, I'm really glad you chose to marry Peter despite what everyone said, 'cause you're a great sister-in-law. The closest thing I've ever had to a sister is my friend Red, so now I guess I have two sisters!" said Harley happily as she embraced her.

"I'm glad you're my sister too, Harley," said Alice, meaning every word.

xxxx

Alice and Harley arrived home a few minutes after Don and Peter carried in the tree, with the Joker cheering them on from behind. Once the tree had been set up next to the fireplace, Marie brought out the ornaments and they began to decorate the tree. Don, having had enough of the Joker, left the house with Marie to go on a walk as the rest of them decorated, with the exception of Alice, who was sitting on the couch with Ben in her arms. Being a two year old, Ben couldn't stand being restrained and kept squirming and whining to be let down, but Alice didn't want to risk the Joker getting his hands on him.

"Alice, why don't you let me hold him for a while? I'm great with kids," offered the Joker with a friendly grin.

Alice quickly racked her brains for a plausible excuse. "I would Joker, but," she sniffed his clean diaper. "I think he's got a dirty diaper. I need to change him." And with that, Alice walked as fast as she could out of the living room with breaking into a sprint.

"I'll help you, honey!" called out Peter as he followed her, and a few minutes later they left too, leaving just Joker, Harley and Adrian to finish the tree.

"I'm not feelin' so hot, I'm gonna go upstairs," said Harley, sick of being around Adrian and wishing that Joker would do something to him already.

"I think I'll go check on her, make sure she's okay," said Adrian as Harley went up the stairs and disappeared down the hall. "You mind finishing the tree?"

"Not at all," said Joker as he hung an angel ornament. "Say, do you think this angel would look better next to the snowman or the reindeer ornament?"

Adrian went up the stairs and into Harley's room, where he found Harley sitting on the bed clutching a clown doll close to her chest.

"Hey Harley," said Adrian as he sat down next to her. "Are you all right?"

"Just dandy, why wouldn't I be," said Harley through gritted teeth.

"Have you thought anymore about what I said, about giving us another chance?"

"You don't wanna know what I've been thinking," grumbled Harley.

"Kiss me Harley, like you used to. One kiss won't hurt, and the Joker never has to know. You've been with him for so long you've forgotten what it's like to truly be loved, to be treated as you deserve, with respect. Give me on more chance before you decide who you want to be with. Kiss me once and then tell me to leave," whispered Adrian in her ear.

"It would take a lot more than one kiss to persuade me. I will never love you again, my heart belongs to Mistah J," said Harley as she tried to get off the bed, but Adrian grabbed her and forced her to kiss him. She pushed him away, disgusted with him and herself for the kiss even though it hadn't been her fault. He didn't stop though, and he grabbed her again and forced her back on the bed and kissed her again, more forcefully this time.

"Mistah J! screamed Harley as she tried to fight him off. The serum Poison Ivy had given her made her somewhat stronger, but he was still stronger than her and refused to give up. She continued to scream for the Joker as he yanked her pants down and she threw him off of her. She tried to run for it again but he grabbed her and pulled her back again and Harley felt tears streaming down her face as she tried to fight him. Where was the Joker? She knew he could hear her screams for help, so why wasn't he coming to rescue her? Harley started to feel like it was pointless to fight back, all she cared about was the Joker's love and approval, and if he didn't care enough to save her then what was the point?

Just as she began to succumb she felt someone pull the man off of her. She looked up and saw the Joker pin Adrian to the floor and shove a blade in his mouth.

"So Adrian, having fun with my girl?" he said, his voice deathly quiet and all traces of friendliness gone. "You know, I don't like sharing my toys, but maybe you didn't know that. Maybe you thought anyone could do whatever they wanted to my dame and I wouldn't care. You thought that you could steal from me and get away with it, and when you couldn't steal her you decided you wanted to _play _with my toy anyway. You thought you could do whatever you wanted to her, but I'll have you know that I'm the only one who's allowed to play with or break my toys. You thought that I wouldn't, or _couldn't_, kill you. Is that what you thought?"

"N-No! I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, I swear!" Adrian pleaded helplessly, trying not to slice his tongue on the knife.

"You got that right. It was very rude of you to try to steal my gal away from me, and then you tried to have your way with her, even I don't take things that far, which is what separates me from scum like you. Apologize to Harley, Adrian."

"I'm s-sorry, Ha-Harley," said Adrian, looking up at her with desperate eyes, pleading for mercy.

"Do you accept his apology, Harley-kins?" said Joker as he looked up at her, his expression livid.

"No, no I don't," spat Harley. "You hurt me and tried to steal me away from my Puddin', and I don't like it when people try to come between me and Mistah J."

"You heard the lady, Adrian. Now, I was going to kill you all along pal, but I wanted to see if you could behave yourself. I've been on my best behavior this entire time but you, not so much. Now you've given me a reason to kill you, besides the fact that you once dated Harley and you have an ugly face. But first, you and me are gonna have some _fun_."

The Joker made Adrian stand and he dragged him downstairs, never taking the knife out of his mouth. Harley followed and opened the door for them and helped him force Adrian in the car. Once they had driven off, Harley went back inside and slumped on the couch, exhausted physically and emotionally.

"You have such a nice boyfriend, Harley," said Nana with a smile as she sat in her rocking chair, knitting as always. "You're a very lucky girl."

"I sure am," agreed Harley as tears of relief and joy slid down her face. The Joker still cared about her after all, and she had been stupid to think otherwise. How could she not have trusted him? He always looked after her, and even when he didn't, even when he hurt her or left her he always came back and apologized, even that time when he had pushed her out a window because she had ruined his plan to kill Batman. Though he almost never showed it, he truly did love her, of this she was sure.


	10. Chapter 10

About a minute later, Don, Marie, Peter, Alice and Ben returned.

"You mind explaining why the Joker and Adrian just stole my car?" asked Don disapprovingly.

"Mistah J's just gonna teach that slimeball a lesson in a manners, is all," replied Harley, uncaring.

"You mean he's going to kill him?" asked Marie, aghast. "How could you let him do that?"

"Oh no reason, the creep just tried to rape me, no big deal really," said Harley angrily. "He's real wonderful, isn't he? One of a kind, the kind of guy that any woman would kill to have."

"Harleen, we had no idea he would take things that far, honest," insisted Don. "We love you, and if we had known he would do that we never would have asked him to come over. But really Harleen, murder? Murder is never the answer, no matter what the Joker told you."

"Who cares? It's just a joke," shrugged Harley. "I just hope he doesn't decide to leave early because of this, or worse, go and leave me behind."

Marie went over to her daughter and embraced her. "We're very sorry, Harleen, we really are. Would you like to help me get dinner ready?"

Harley nodded her head and stood up to follow her out, but just then they heard a large _thud_ from behind them. They turned and saw a man dressed up as Santa Clause, sitting in their chimney. Don slowly approached the man and pulled down the white beard obscuring his face. The man's face was beaten and bloody, but still recognizable.

"Adrian?" said Don, bewildered by what he saw before him.

"Is he dead?' whispered Marie.

A moan escaped his lips, answering her question.

"He's alive," said Don incredulously. Before they could move to try to help him, the Joker came down the chimney, his purple suit covered in soot. In his hand he held a gas can, and he proceeded to dump gasoline all over Adrian and the walls and furniture.

"What are you doing, you psycho?" shouted Don. "Stop that, right now!"

"You want some too?" asked Joker as he held up the gas can. Don stepped back and Joker poured out the rest of the gas on the Christmas tree.

"Now," said Joker as he threw away the gas can and approached them with a bloody knife. "The entire time I've been here no one has remembered their place, or who I am. Sure, I've been a good boy and it can be easy to forget who you're dealing with sometimes, but that's no excuse for the way I've been treated. I didn't appreciate you trying to trick my little harlequin into leaving me, and I especially didn't appreciate you calling in her wonderful ex-boyfriend to try to get rid of me, you really should have known better. Since none of you seem to remember who I am, let me remind you," said Joker as he pulled out a lighter.

"No you don't, put the lighter down, clown," ordered Alice as she drew her gun and aimed it at him. "Put it down and leave now or I'll shoot."

The Joker smiled and ran at her, barely dodging the bullet she fired at him. He snatched the gun out of her hands and smacked her across the face with it, knocking her to the floor.

"You leave my wife alone!" shouted Peter. He was tired of being afraid of this maniac, and he certainly wasn't going to let him hurt his family. He handed Ben to Marie and helped Alice up as he glared at the clown.

"Looks like Peter Rabbit grew a spine,' said Joker with a dangerous smile. He pointed the gun at Adrian and shot him in the leg, igniting the gasoline he was drenched in and setting the whole room ablaze. Adrian screamed and writhed in agony as he was engulfed in the monstrous flames.

"Mistah J, this is my parent's house, how could you?" yelled Harley angrily. She grabbed the Joker by the wrists and yelled at him, "Why Mistah J? Why didn't you just kill Adrian?"

Everyone fled the house as fast as they could, leaving Joker and Harley to glare at each other as the house burned down around them. The Joker grabbed Harley and smashed her head into the wall, leaving her half-conscious. He then left the house and stood outside with the others to watch it burn.

"Where's Harley?" demanded Don.

"In the house," replied Joker indifferently.

"What is wrong with you?" screamed Don as he ran toward the house, but stopped when Joker pointed the gun at him.

"Stay away," snarled Joker.

"You can't just leave her to die!" screeched Marie.

"Watch me," growled Joker.

Peter watched, horrified, as Joker kept the gun pointed at them. He couldn't believe the Joker's cruelty, and swore right then and there that if he let Harley die he would kill him, somehow. But as he watched him, he saw something change in the Joker's eyes. Peter wasn't sure what to think, but it looked like some kind of internal battle going on inside the Joker's mind. He then turned around and growled quietly, "Bleeding hearts of the world, unite!"

The Joker dashed back into the house and found Harley on the floor where he had left her. He then scooped her limp body up in his arms and said, "This is the last time I save your blonde butt, Harley."

He was about to leave the house but stopped and turned around and went back to give Adrian's burning body a good kick before he ran out of the house, coughing and gasping for air. Once outside, he dropped Harley's body on the ground and greedily sucked in air.

Her family rushed over to her to see if she was okay. "Harleen?" said Don, his voice shaking with fear. He put his head to her chest and then started pumping her heart. He then gave her mouth-to-mouth while Marie cried and kept saying, "She's dead! She's dead!"

Just as Don was about to give up hope, Harley began to cough and breathe again. Don and Marie held her in their arms and cried tears of relief. They all froze when they heard the sound of a gun being cocked.

Joker got down on his knees to face Harley, his body trembling with anger and his eyes blazing. "Listen Harl, I'll be back in an hour or so, and then I'm going back to Gotham. You can either come with me or stay here, I couldn't care less which." He then handed her a crumpled up piece of paper and pulled a small metal object out of one of his pockets. He pushed a button on it and tossed it to Don and said, "I had some of my boys come here to Metropolis just to rig this up." He then stalked off. A taxi drove by, but instead of hailing it, he got in Don's car again and drove off. Alice pulled out her cell phone and dialed 911.

"Hello? Our house is on fire, we need help," she said into the phone.

"I wonder why the bomb didn't go off," said Don as he held up the metal object, which was obviously a detonator.

"Who cares, as long as it didn't go off," said Marie as she stood up. Peter and Alice helped Harley to her feet, she was still wobbly but could stand.

"What? You can't be serious," said Alice as she closed her phone. "Apparently the firemen can't come because someone blew up the bank a few blocks from here."

"He blew up the bank!" said Don as he pulled at his hair his face beet red with anger. "Not only did he burn our house to the ground, he destroyed the bank, too! All of our money, gone! I swear, I'll kill him!"

"No you won't!" said Harley, her voice raspy from the smoke. "He just saved my life and you want to kill him anyway?"

"It's his fault you almost died!" shouted Marie.

"And he didn't have to save me, but he did!" argued Harley. "He could have let me die in there, but he didn't! You guys are always saying that he doesn't love me, would he have saved me if he didn't?"

"He's a sick man, who knows why he does anything," said Don. "Peter, do you mind if we stay at your house for a while?"

Peter and Alice looked like they did mind, but complied anyway. Peter, Harley, Alice and Ben took one car while Don, Marie and Nana took Marie's car.

While they were driving, Peter thought about what had happened with the Joker. He wasn't sure why the Joker had pretended to be nice and sweet, other than to lull them into a fall sense of security or just to amuse himself. The man might not have any super-powers, but with his intelligence combined with his ability to put on deceptive masks, he was more than a match for even the most powerful of superheroes. He could make you see him however he wanted you to see him, and he had chosen to come off as the type of misunderstood, slow, trouble-making brother-in-law from the movies when really he was anything but. It was too easy to forget who he was despite his appearance, which made him all the more powerful, especially when wooing doctors.

Harley cheered herself up a bit by playing with Ben in the back seat. While she was playing peek-a-boo with him, she suddenly remembered the crumpled up piece of paper the Joker had given her. She pulled it out of her pocket and carefully smoothed it out.

"What! She screamed once she had read it, making Ben cry and almost making Peter run off the road. "How could they do that?"

"Who did what, Harley?" asked Alice as she gently rubbed the bruise beginning to form on her face.

"My parents! Listen to this, "Harleen Francis Quinzel, age twenty-one, was murdered several nights ago. A psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum in Gotham city, she was murdered by the Joker, the patient she was treating. While no body has been found, the Joker admitted to killing her when he was brought in by the Batman." There's more, but can you believe they would do something like that? Peter, did you know about this?"

"I, well, yes," he admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she said, sounding hurt and betrayed.

"I felt sorry for you. Mom and Dad did it before I could stop them, and I didn't want to make things worse for you by telling you."

"Why would they do this?" asked Harley as she shoved the paper back into her pocket. "Why would they lie like this and tell everyone I was dead?"

"It was the only way they could cope with what happened, I suppose," said Peter grimly. "They didn't want anyone to find out the truth so they created a huge lie. I guess it was easier for them to pretend you were dead than to accept what you had become. They invited you back here because they wanted to try one last time to get you to leave the Joker."

"And so now they'll just give up on me completely and pretend they never had a daughter," said Harley miserably.

When they arrived at the house, which was smaller than Don and Marie's but still quite nice, almost an hour later, Harley leapt out of the car and marched up to her parents and shoved the obituary page in their faces. "It must be so hard for you to have to put up with a daughter come back from the dead, huh?"

When they saw the newspaper clipping, their faces paled. "You weren't supposed to see that."

"How could you? Apparently in this family, if you don't fall in love with the right person ya get disowned! I thought you loved me but you obviously don't!"

"We do love you, Harleen!" protested Marie. "But what we're we supposed to do? People kept asking questions and we couldn't just keep making up excuses. What would people think, if they knew you were the Joker's hench-girl? It would have disgraced you and everyone else in this family."

"I understand now," said Harley, fighting tears. "You don't hate the Joker, you hate what he's done to your reputation, or what he would have done if you hadn't lied to everyone about me. You wanna know why I wanted to come here for Chrismas? Sure, I wanted to see you guys, but that's not why we came. Y'see, I couldn't decide what to get Mistah J for Christmas. I mean, what do you get a guy who can get himself whatever he wants? So I got to thinking about what I could get him that he couldn't get himself. And I realized that for a long time now I've been the only family he has, and that as long as I've known him he's never had a normal, traditional, family Christmas. I know he doesn't care for that kind of Christmas, but I figured that he might appreciate it. Once, just once, I wanted him to give him a family, something he's not had in a long time, if ever. That's why I brought him here, it was for him, not me."

"Does the Joker know about this," asked Alice, surprised by what Harley had just said.

"No, and you'd better not tell him. If he found out he'd, well, I don't know what he would do, but I think it's for the best that he never find out. Even if I didn't have to worry about what he would do, I don't want him to know this was for him, I just want to make him happy."

"Why didn't you tell us this before?" asked Don incredulously.

"Because I had hoped I wouldn't have to, I assumed that my family could act civil, if only for my sake, but apparently I was wrong. Mistah J has behaved himself all week, and you guys have acted like animals, especially you, Mom and Dad. I'm sorry I ruined everyone's Christmas, I really am, and when Mistah J comes back I'm gonna go back home with him to Gotham and we'll spend Christmas by ourselves with the Babies."

"Babies? You told me you didn't have any children!" Marie exclaimed.

"HYENAS, MOTHER!" screamed Harley. "The Babies are our pet hyenas!" Harley wiped away a tear and ran to the door, but it was locked.

"I have a key, Harley," said Peter as he made his way to the door, but Harley wasn't interested in waiting for him. She found a rock and used it to break a window and climbed inside. Once inside, she wanted to be alone so she locked herself in the bathroom and finally let herself cry. She didn't want the Joker to see her this way, so didn't even try to stop the tears, didn't try to get a hold of herself, so that hopefully by the time he returned she would have no tears left to be shed, and she would be able to be strong for him. Today had been the worst day she had had in a very long time. Not only had her ex tried to force himself on her, not only had she been almost killed, not only had she found out that she had been disowned by her parents for loving the wrong person, but she had singlehandedly ruined Christmas for nearly everyone she cared about, especially the Joker. She should have known this wouldn't work, Joker and her family hated each other too much, and she had been a fool to think they could get along, if only for a few days. She wondered what he was doing right then, if he was thinking about her. She almost couldn't believe he had saved her twice in one day, just before she had lost consciousness completely in the flames she had seen him come back for her. But would he come back for her now, even though he said he would, or had she done too much damage? If there was one thing she had learned from all this, it was that she needed to stop doubting him. Even when it seemed like he wouldn't save her or just didn't care, she needed to trust him, regardless. He wouldn't let her down, of this she was sure.


	11. Chapter 11

Don, Marie, Peter and Alice sat down in the living room. Nana found a chair to sit in and resumed her knitting while Ben ran to his room to play with his toys.

"You think it's safe to call the police yet?" asked Don wearily.

"Police? Try animal control," snapped Marie.

"Harley's right, you know," said Peter.

"You're taking her side in this?" accused Don. "You think she's right about the Joker? Figures, pretty soon you'll probably leave Alice and Ben and go hook up with that cat lady."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Dad," said Peter through his teeth. "We should have treated Joker better, if only for Harley's sake. She truly loves the Joker, and we're likely to lose her forever if we keep alienating them both this way."

"Are you saying that we should welcome the Joker with open arms? Pretend he's not the crazy clown with an insatiable bloodlust who ruined our daughter's life and give him hugs and kisses? I don't think so," said Marie.

"That's not what I'm saying at all. I don't like him anymore than you do, but I don't want to push Harley away simply because we couldn't tolerate the Joker's presence for a few days. Harley did make it clear that this was a one-time thing, it's not like she was trying to make this into some kind of holiday tradition."

"Peter, how can we be expected to tolerate such a man, if he can even be called a man," said Don.

"There was nothing we could do about him staying with us, so the least we could have done was pretend he was welcome even though he wasn't. We could have done that, for Harley. And besides, if you really cared about Harley you'd actually be trying to help her by offering her the love and support she needs, not constantly telling her how crazy and stupid she is, and certainly not inviting her home just to attack her with her ex. You were more worried about your reputation than your own daughter, otherwise you never would have lied and told everyone she was dead. That's not something normal parents do when their children rebel."

"Not to mention the fact that having Adrian come over even though you should have known it wouldn't end well was a bad idea, you were practically begging him to kill Adrian and everyone in the entire neighborhood. I mean, this is the Joker we're talking about, and in case you hadn't realized he's kind of violently psychotic and likely to murder us all, especially after all that's happened," added Alice.

"Maybe when Joker comes back here you could try to make amends with the Joker, I think it would both slightly increase our chances of survival and make Harley hate us less. I think we might still be able to salvage this Christmas," said Peter with an attempt at optimism.

Don and Marie still weren't convinced. "I just don't know if we can do that," said Don.

"Why don't you guys go to the guest room and at least talk about it. It would be more productive than just sitting here fighting over who hates the Joker more," suggested Alice.

Don and Marie agreed and left the room.

"Do you think they'll do it?" asked Alice as Ben walked in the room carrying a teddy bear and went into her arms.

Not really, but at least now if Joker asks later we can honestly say that we kind of sided with him," said Peter.

"You know, if I had known how crazy your family is, well, I still would have married you, but we would have moved somewhere very far away from your family." She lovingly stroked Ben's blonde curls and said, "You won't be crazy when you grow up, will you honey? Be sane for Mama."

Just then the door burst open and in came Joker, looking a bit calmer now but with danger still in his eyes. "Where's Harley?" he asked, his tone annoyed, as though he had expected Harley to already be there waiting for him and was aggravated that she wasn't.

Harley must have heard him because she immediately left the bathroom and ran over to him and threw her arms around his waist. "I'm ready to go, Puddin'," she said, her voice a bit shaky from crying but resolute at the same time.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Joker looked outside the window and despite the darkness of the night he could clearly see who it was: Superman. He grabbed Harley roughly by one of her pigtails and made a run for it down the hall and into the first room they came to, which just happened to be a closet. There wasn't much room inside so they both sat down against the door.

"Wonderful, Stupor-man's here to haul our butts back to Gotham," growled Joker. "Funny, I didn't know he even knew how to use a door, Batsy sure doesn't."

"You really think he'll find us and take us back?' asked Harley worriedly.

"Either he'll cheat and use his X-ray vision or your parents will rat us out, and I'm betting the latter. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted."

"Fun? As in, I didn't ruin Christmas for you, Mistah J?" asked Harley timidly and with surprise.

"Heavens, what would make you say that?" asked Joker as he looked at her as though she had lost her mind. "Your family is a riot! Even your stuffy, boring old parents are fun, or at least, they're fun to torment. Not to mention I got to kill off one of your old boyfriends, that'd fill even the most fun-hating scrooge with Christmas cheer. The only thing that could make this Christmas better would be a battle with ole' Bats, that would make me even merrier. But if I get caught by Stupid-man and he takes us back to Arkham I'll be very upset."

"I'm so glad you're not angry with me, Puddin'," said Harley as she embraced him lovingly. "So then, why do you want to leave?"

"Supey out there is why. Do you really think I could blow up the bank without anyone noticing, least of all him?"

"I guess not. By the way, thanks for saving me today, twice. I don't care what anyone else says, you're the most wonderful man in the world, and that doesn't even begin to cover it."

He patted her head affectionately and rested his head on her shoulder. "Know any good Christmas carols, Harl? Christmas ain't Christmas without certain things, and Christmas carols are one of 'em. Along with presents and screams of pain and Santa Clause and dead smiles and candy canes."

Harley thought for a moment and then began to quietly sing so they wouldn't get caught,

"_I want my arms around you for Christmas, I need no presents under the tree. You're all I want, my darling, and that will be the world to me._

_I want to share your kisses for Christmas, the rest is only tinsel and show. You're all I want my darling, at candle glow and mistletoe. _

_As far as I'm concerned Santa doesn't have to load his sleigh, he can mark my gifts returned or give them all away. I only want your love for Christmas, no other present will do, you're all I want, my darling, please want me too. _

_Please want me too._

_Please want me too, as I want you."_

Joker pulled away and stared at her, disgusted. "When I said I wanted a Christmas carol I meant something like Silent Night or Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, not a frickin' love song."

"Sorry Mistah J, but it's my favorite," said Harley as she smiled up at him.

"You need a new favorite," muttered Joker as he put some distance between them, and when Harley tried to close the distance between them again he roughly shoved her away.

Harley had been about to try to shower him with her affections once more and the Joker had reared back his hand to smack her when someone suddenly opened the door, causing Harley to tumble out. The Joker had been expecting it and so he wasn't caught off guard. "It's safe, you can come out now," said Peter.

"The boy in blue too lazy to come get us himself?" asked Harley as she stood up.

"Actually, he's gone. There have been some Joker sightings and since we're related to Harley he figured we might know something. As unbelievable as it sounds, Mom and Dad told him you guys weren't here. It wasn't too hard to convince him, because you really have no reason to be in Metropolis."

"No logical reason anyway," said Joker as he stood up. "Why didn't they tattle on us? Are they drunk?"

"No, they don't drink, and I don't know why they lied for you, you can ask them yourselves."

The Joker and Harley went back into the living room, where they found everyone waiting for them.

"Why'd you do it?" asked Harley, confused. "You hate Mistah J, and this would have been the perfect opportunity to get rid of him. I mean, I'm glad you didn't, but why?"

"I think we've done enough damage," said Don, sounding almost ashamed. "We love you Harley, and we're willing to pretend we approve of your relationship with the Joker just this once. Will you please forgive us for trying to help you?"

Tears of utter joy ran down Harley's face as she embraced both of her parents. "Of course I do, you don't know how much this means to me!"

"Joker, we'd be… honored, if you and Harley would join us for Christmas," said Marie, trying her best to not gag on the words she was speaking.

"The pleasure is all mine, Mom," said Joker with a smile as he took her hands in his and pecked her on the cheek. Marie hid her disgust and plastered a smile on her face.

"It's official," Peter whispered in Alice's ear. "The Joker and Harley have finally driven Mom and Dad insane."

"I don't think it was much of a challenge," Alice whispered back.

__**Author's notes:**__ The song Harley sang is called "You're all I want for Christmas". I only discovered it a few days ago, but when I heard it I thought of Harley singing it to the Joker. It's the perfect Christmas love song for them, don't you think?_


	12. Chapter 12

**December 25: Christmas day**

The next morning, because all of the gifts had been destroyed in the house fire, there weren't any presents to open. No one mentioned that this was the Joker's fault, of course. Instead they gathered around the Christmas tree and Harley serenaded them, making sure to only sing Christmas songs she thought the Joker would like, and absolutely no love songs. After a while, Marie, Alice and Harley went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast while Don, Peter and the Joker sat in the living room, having a conversation that for once actually included all of them and not just Joker. Peter held onto Ben's tiny body tightly, not trusting the Joker with his son in the least, making Ben a very irritated two year old. Nana continued to work on her knitting, happy in her own little world. Because it had been so long since Peter and Alice had been home, there wasn't much to work with, so they prepared anything they could find that was even remotely breakfast-related, making for a very unusual meal.

"It's such a shame that there are no presents to open," said Joker after they had finished eating, as though it wasn't his fault that they were gone.

"But we have something even better than presents, family," said Harley as she snuggled up close to him.

"Whatever you say Harl," said Joker as he rolled his eyes.

Since they had no new toys to busy themselves with, they spent the rest of the day watching Christmas specials on TV. Joker would quietly improvise lines in Harley's ear as they watched, making kind and innocent characters such as Santa Clause and Frosty the Snowman suddenly seem very naughty and dirty, making her giggle uncontrollably.

That night, having no Christmas dinner prepared, the whole family went to McDonald's to eat. Naturally they attracted a lot of attention. Some thought the Joker was _the_ Joker, while others figured he was just a weirdo in a purple suit. Either way, by the time they sat down with their food, the place was a ghost town.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you're scaring away customers," said the manager, who seemed, by the way he spoke and acted, to be one of those people who were desperately trying to convince themselves that the man before him couldn't possibly be the actual Joker.

"I'm just trying to have Christmas dinner with my girlfriend's family," said Joker as he glared at the man with a murderous smile. "What's so scary about that?"

The manager seemed to realize that every word he spoke would probably shorten his life more and more, and so he backed off and disappeared.

After their meal they went back to Peter and Alice's house. By this point they had all started to slip into that false sense of security, but they still maintained a safe amount of fear and respect for the clown.

"It's getting late, and so Harley-girl and I must be on our way," said Joker at last. "We have a lot of work to do in Gotham, you know, and so I regretfully bid you-"

"Wait!" said Nana all of a sudden. "I just finished your present, you can't leave without it."

Everyone stared at the old women, not knowing what to say. That was the most she had spoken in a long time, and they were also surprised to see that the knitting she had been doing had been for the Joker. She gave the Joker a pair of purple and green striped socks and a matching scarf. The Joker just stared at her, for once caught off guard.

"Um, thank you, Nana," he said. "I, uh, like your gift."

Nana Quinzel let out a delighted squeal and threw her arms around him, while he awkwardly patted her back. Harley felt her already immense love for her grandmother grow exponentially, this was more than she had ever dared hope for. The woman may have been confused, but the genuine love she showed the Joker meant more to Harley than she could ever say. She lovingly embraced her grandmother and the Joker, then looked over at the rest of the family.

"Well don't be shy, come on guys, group hug!" she said.

Don and Marie looked like they would rather beat themselves to death with a hammer, and Peter and Alice looked about the same, but they joined in anyway, telling themselves it was for Harley and this would be the one and only time. The Joker looked like he wanted to strangle all of them and quickly disentangled himself from them.

They separated, and Joker said, "I'm going to call us a taxi, do whatever you have to right now, I'll wait ten minutes and then I'm leaving with or without you. To the rest of you, merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

"Thank you so much, everyone," said Harley after the Joker had left the house, feeling like she might burst with happiness. Harley knew Nana's gift had made the Joker uncomfortable because he wasn't used to people accepting him like that. There were those rare occasions when he seemed confused about her feelings for him and even his own feelings for her, which always resulted in Harley sustaining a horrible beating and getting kicked out. Harley wished he could just accept her love without having to beat her, but she also understood why he did it. "I love you guys so much, and I know how painful this must be for you, so thanks for doing it anyway, thanks for pretending for me."

"I have to say, for an insane mass-murdering clown who scares the living crap out of me, he's not so bad," said Peter thoughtfully, and then added, "Don't bring him anywhere near me or my family ever again."

"Maybe we shouldn't have been so hard on him, even though our hatred for him is completely justified. But if you ever bring him here again I'll kill him," said Don.

"Oh Daddy," said Harley, unsure if he was serious or not.

"Don't be a stranger, Harley," said Alice as she hugged her. "We gotta go shopping again sometime."

"I'll bring Red next time! You'd love her, and I'm sure she'd love to meet you too," said Harley as she hugged her back. She then scooped up Ben in her arms and tickled his stomach, making him laugh. "See you later, Benny."

"Say bye to aunt Harley," said Alice.

"Bye aunt Hawey!" he giggled.

"Love you Harley," said Marie as she embraced her. "You sure you don't wanna stay-"

"No Mom," said Harley flatly as she hugged her.

"Do what you want, but if you ever want to come home you're always welcome," said Don as he took his turn with her. "We're sorry for what we did, and we'll tell everyone the truth about you, even though I don't think the truth is much better."

"Thanks, Dad," said Harley. She then embraced her grandmother and said, "And thank you Nana, you're the best grandmother in the whole world."

Her grandmother squeezed her tightly and said, "He's such a good boy, don't let him get away from you, okay?"

"Okay, Nana," said Harley, her smile widening. It was nice to have at least one person who genuinely approved of her relationship with the Joker, even if it was a senile woman who had once worn her bra on the outside of her shirt and had no idea what she was talking about. Or maybe she did, when she was talking about the Joker anyway.

Harley wished everyone goodbye and left. After she had closed the door, Peter said, "I think we all learned a valuable lesson, though I'm not quite sure what it was."

"I think it was a mix of treasuring family, getting along on Christmas, and not underestimating or getting on the Joker's bad side, not that he has a good side," said Alice.

"All things considered, I think this all went pretty well," said Peter. "It wasn't the best Christmas ever, but it wasn't quite the worst, either."

"I agree, don't you guys?" asked Alice.

"I suppose so," said Marie half-heartedly. "I swear, the things I do for my children…"

"No, this was the worst Christmas ever, that lunatic burned down our house and all our money and he still has my daughter. But at least we got to spend it together, as a family," said Don resignedly.

"I'm gonna miss that boy," said Nana sweetly. "I have such a wonderful family."

Harley went outside to find Joker chatting with, surprisingly enough, the same man who had driven them before. The man looked like he was about to wet himself with fear.

"Henry!" called out Harley as she ran over to the cab. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought since he did such a wonderful job bringing us here, he could do an even better job taking us back," said Joker as he patted the man's back, causing him to whimper in sheer terror.

Henry drove them back to the airport, and by the time they got there Henry looked like he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. They wished him a merry Christmas and boarded Kevin's plane again.

"We gonna get another pilot, Puddin'?" asked Harley as she sat down in the co-pilot's chair.

"Nonsense, I'll fly us home," said Joker as he sat down in the pilot's chair and put a pilot's cap on his head. "I'm better than any trained pilot could ever be."

As the plane took off, Harley wondered if her plan had worked. The Joker seemed happy enough, and she wondered if it had anything to do with getting a family for Christmas for once. She supposed she would never know.

A few hours later, when they were nearing Gotham, the Joker pulled Harley's diary out of his pocket and handed it to her. "You can have this back now, I read it cover to cover last night after I burned your parent's house to the ground," he said merrily.

"What did you think?" asked Harley timidly. She had poured out her heart and soul in that thing as a teenager and she hoped he hadn't come across anything too embarrassing.

"It showed me that you were even more screw-loose as a child than I imagined," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh," she said, not quite sure if that was an insult or a complement. "Hey, um, I was wondering, do you think I could have another one of those clown dolls? Mine was in the house when it burned down."

"Harley, how could you have let that happen? I get you a gift and you let it get destroyed? Talk about gratitude."

"Sorry Puddin, I'll be more careful next time," assured Harley, to which Joker only grunted. "So what are we doin' when we get back home? Are we gonna head straight for the hospital to watch your plan unfold?"

"Yeah, we go to the hospital and wait for Batso to make his move. You know, this has been one heck of a holiday. I made all the little children laugh, freaked out your family and tormented your parents, burned their house down and destroyed all their money, and killed another one of your old boyfriends, which is always a good time. The only thing that could possibly make this day better would be getting to face off with Bat-freak, which I'm afraid won't happen before Christmas is over," he said, sounding disappointed.

"It's okay sweetie, you'll get to kick his butt later," Harley assured him as she wrapped the scarf Nana had given him around her neck.

"I suppose you're right. Well, it looks like it's time to land this thing."

Just when Joker was about to land, a missile hit the plane, knocking out one of the engines. The Joker had to fight to maintain control of the plane, but laughed as he said, "It's a Christmas miracle! Looks like we'll get to fight the Dork Knight after all, poor thing couldn't wait for me to land, he must have really missed me while I was gone, and really appreciated Robin's gift."

Joker managed to crash the plane in such a way that neither of them suffered any serious injury. Knowing that she would have to fight B-man, Harley wished that she was in costume. Helping the Joker beat him to a bloody pulp just wouldn't be as fun in her street clothes, but still very fun nonetheless.

"Well kiddo, time to go," said Joker gleefully an excitedly as he made to exit the plane, ignoring his complaining body.

"Ouch," said Harley as she rubbed her head. Despite the pain she was in, it wasn't nearly enough to ruin her holiday. She smiled and hugged the Joker tightly as she said, "Merry Christmas, Mistah J."

He smiled and kissed her forehead and then roughly shoved her away again. He took out his favorite knife and began to exit the plane with Harley following close behind as he said, "And happy holidays to you, m'dear. Come on, let's go teach ole' Bats the _true_ meaning of Christmas."

_**Author's notes:**__ I hope you all enjoyed that, thanks for all the reviews, and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!_


End file.
